Your Instagram Horoscope

Inkwell: You’re moody, manipulative, and irritatingly powerful. Your photos tend to be of a lone figure silhouetted by a shaft of sunlight. Shoot a biker on a bridge and many will follow, but hashtag hard. No less than twenty is a good rule of thumb. Your comments will fill up with more hearts than a charm bracelet.

Sierra: You’re quite the urban gardener, Sierra. You love flowers more than Georgia O’Keeffe and bees combined. You love the beach too, but enough with all the pictures of your toned gams pointing at the ocean. You get upset easily and probably are right now.

Brannan: You consider yourself a modern-day Weegee, nabbing stolen moments shot from the hip. A better comparison could be drawn between you and the board game Sorry!, as that’s what you’ll be when a giant man shoves you for stealing his particular moment.

Amaro: You are intelligent, but drawn to mundane Instagram subjects. This is likely because of the time you were deeply moved by a MoMA exhibit that consisted of nothing but a dirty shower curtain lying on the floor.

Toaster: You’re a foodie who loves writing “nom nom” on dishes that either clog arteries or contain artfully placed herb sprigs. You’re young, selfish, and lack marketable skills, so stop taking pictures and focus on your goal of achieving Elite Yelper status.

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Collaborators: Marco Kaye Publication: McSweeney's Internet Tendency