Apple CFO Jerry Seinfeld Addresses the Shareholders

Wow, thank you. It’s been an amazing year hasn’t it? We are just killing it with all the gadgets every quarter. Hey, have you ever wondered why we do that with the quarters? So much extra reporting. We should just split the fiscal year in half, even Steven, right down the middle. Make it like a soccer game. Then we can all take two weeks off in June to eat orange slices while some guy from Finland rubs our calves and tells us we had a great first half.

How about these iPods? We’re still selling these things. I know, big surprise. I don’t get it though. I mean whenever someone says “iPod” I hear, “eye pod,” which makes me think of polyps. No thank you sir, I do not want to see your new eye pod. We’re at dinner and I don’t care if it’s purple, I just want to eat my steak without thinking about skin growths. It’s disgusting. And that goes for your ear buds too. At least wait until after we’ve tried the ganache.

I don’t know, maybe that’s why iPod sales are down 10% every year. What can you do?

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Publication: The Bygone Bureau