Summer of No Love

One side of a phone conversation, overheard while waiting in the shoe match line in Nordstrom Rack, downtown Portland:

WOMAN
You should totally come visit me this summer, it's amazing here.

PERSON IN SAN DIEGO
(inaudible)

WOMAN
No it's really nice weather in the summer. You can do everything, biking and surfing and all that. Well not surfing like in San Diego, but with a dry suit.

WOMAN
What? No, I love it here.

WOMAN
Well yeah, there are hippies. I'm not going to tell you there aren't hippies here, but really there's like, hippies everywhere, so I don't know how you can avoid them.

WOMAN
No, they're not really those kinds of hippies. The ones here are more like the kind of hippies that recycle and stuff.

WOMAN
Yeah, and a few dirty ones too.

(long silence)

WOMAN
Well, I still think you should come visit me.

Sneezing, Itchy Eyes, Headaches and Invisible Bugs Crawling All Over Your Arms

On Portland's MAX train:

GIRL 1
Ahhhh! My allergies are so fucking bad this year!

GIRL 2
I'm so lucky I'm not allergic to anything.

GIRL 1
Ugh. I hate you.

GIRL 2
Actually, no. Heroin. I'm allergic to heroin.

GIRL 1
How did you find that out?

GIRL 2
Remember Shawn?

GIRL 1
You did heroin with Shawn?

GIRL 2
He shot me up when I was asleep and I went to the hospital.

GIRL1
That's wrong! I'm glad he's dead.

Comments Spoken or Overheard at Cirque Du Soleil: Varekai

ME
That's supposed to be Icarus. What happened is that he-
FRIEND
Flew too close to the sun and melted the wax, yeah I know the story motherfucker.

"I'm so glad we got stoned in the car."

"I've never peed next to a man before. I can see your feet under the stall and they're pointed the wrong way."

"Is that guy really hurt? I think that's part of the show. No he looks hurt, he's holding his back. That must be part of the show. Oh god, that's not part of the show!"

"This is my 8th Cirque. Their butts get smaller every year."

"Oh my god that's hot. I wanna see those two guys do it."

"I bet if there was an M&M in there, you'd see it."

"It's just like the regular circus is for kids, except nothing like it because it's not sad and gross."

Titans of Nutriment

Two months ago, in the asphalt jungle of West Hollywood:

FATBURGER
Hi can I help you?

ME
Yeah, I'll have a chocolate shake. That's it.

FATBURGER
Ok and your name?

ME
Sloan.

FATBURGER
Shawn?

ME
No, Sloan.

FATBURGER
(incredulous)
Sloan?! I've never heard that one before!

ME
It's a family name.

FATBURGER
Weird. Here's your receipt, we'll call you when it's ready.

Comments Spoken or Overheard During A Recent Viewing of March of The Penguins

"Uh oh. I have a bad feeling about that gaping ice crack."

"Skitter, Huddle and Vomit: Narrated by Morgan Freeman"

"Penguin sex is exactly as I'd imagined it. The soundtrack is different though."

"Uh oh. I have a bad feeling about that albatross."

"Big deal, we used to skateboard in hurricane winds when I was a kid."

"They make terrible pets, so don't even think about it."

"My god I'm so hot for you right now."

"Uh oh. I have a bad feeling about that depressed mother penguin."

"This is all a little unnecessary, don't you think?"

"Hundreds of thousands of years and you're telling me the polar bears
can't find this secret rookery? Idiots."

"Uh oh. I have a bad feeling about this artificially imposed and overly melodramatic political, sexual and social narrative."

"Gaaaaaaak"

Deaf Frogs Can't Jump

Weeks ago, across enchiladas and pale beers, Amy charms me with the worst joke I've ever heard. Probably unfair to the actual joke, it was inserted into the course of very normal conversation and then buggered on the most critical details, starting with the opening line.

A
Did you know that deaf turtles can’t jump?

S
That doesn’t make any sense.

A
No wait, frogs! I meant deaf frogs can’t jump.

S
I’m interested to see where this goes.

A
A university did a study.

S
Which university?

A
It doesn’t matter, it’s a real university. A good one.

S
I don’t believe you. Is this a real story or a joke?

A
(avoiding the question)
Oh it’s a real university.

S
I bet it is.

A
So this university, they pulled a leg off of a frog and told it to jump and it jumped.

S
How are the frogs able to understand English?

A
They just told it to jump and it did. Then they pulled off another leg and told it to jump and it still did.

S
This is a grotesque study.

A
Then they pulled the last leg off and told to jump and it did.

S
That’s only three legs.

A
Whatever, they pulled them all off and it still tried to jump, but not very well.

S
Was it deaf?

A
Wait a minute, I’m telling this wrong.

S
Which part, exactly, did you tell wrong?

A
Most of it. So this university was testing frogs to see if the deaf ones can jump.

S
Was this for medical purposes?

A
I don’t know, but it’s a good university. And they pulled the legs off of the frog one by one and told it to jump and it tried every time. Then they got a deaf one and told it to jump and it didn’t. So they knew then that deaf frogs can’t jump.

S
You told it exactly the same way the second time.

A
No, that way was the right way.

S
Was that a joke or a real story?

A
Oh man, I laughed my ass off when I heard that joke the first time.

Dads: What The Hell Is Wrong With These People?

Nothing, that's what. My father is hilarious in his own right, though he'll never admit it. And in response to reading this, my ma will tell me to stop encouraging him, I'm only making it harder for the rest of us. It's worth the risk - I present you with four recent dadscripts:

Voicemail 1

"How do you send a numeric, uh, message? That's number one. Number two, what are delivery options? Is that like when I want to send you a package, do I do that through delivery options? I don't know. What's that all about? Anyway, I'm sorry you're not around to take my call 'cause I got five things on a list here to talk to you about. So anyway I'm gonna go ahead and mention them to you now and the next time we talk you can remind me of them and we'll get it out of the way. The first one is 'dad computer,' the second is 'Sopranos,' the third one is 'mom trees,' the fourth one is 'new phone' and the fifth one is 'Detroit Pistons.' See ya."

Phone Conversation

DAD
(says his catch phrase when I answer the phone)
Let's go golfin'!

ME
Hey, what's up?

DAD
You, baby! What are you doing?

ME
I'm at sushi right now. Eating sushi that's been delivered to me by a model train.

DAD
Cool. You like the wasabi?

ME
Yeah, I like the wasabi. You know that's a condiment you put on sushi, right?

DAD
No, but I do now. Who are you with?

ME
I'm here with Krissy.

DAD
New girlfriend?

ME
Nope.

DAD
Old girlfriend?

ME
No dad, she's just a friend.

KRISSY
(laughing in background)

DAD
(long pause)
Man, I'd kill to live in your shoes for twenty-four hours.

Email

Got a nu cell phone this AM and am lookin for a catchy voice mail greeting. Any ideas (remember I'm a 55 yr old white male)

"Let's go golfin'"
Don

Voicemail 2

We got internet, baybeeee. Your mom's enjoying your web site right now (dog toy squeaking in background). She's in there, uh (squeaking louder now) um, she's uh. Ummm. Here, listen to this (8 seconds of dog toy squeaking directly into phone). That's Murphy squeaking her toy. See ya.

Jesus Saves (You Money On Entertainment)

Do you also fondly remember the street preachers as fantastic lunchtime entertainment in college, surrounded by throngs of frothing, screaming 20 year olds at the peak of their fiery liberal passion? Outside of that campus, they're mostly an annoyance, droning on in their dry, robotic tone at bus stops and crowded public squares, immune to the angry passers-by that threaten or try to engage them.

And then there's the Jesus Saves Guy.

The Jesus Saves Guy, so named for the filthy, sweat and Hot Pocket stained "Jesus Saves" t-shirt he wears to every appearance, is something of an anomaly amongst the roadside Holy Joes of this town. He's clumsy, disorganized, not very loud, forgetful and easily distracted by hecklers. This last bit is the key to his brand of theatre, precisely what makes his appearances irresistible. Because he's so interactive and easily derailed, he draws scores of intelligent, high-brow hecklers that absolutely KILL the rest of the crowd. When he arrived at a recent appearance in Portland's Pioneer Courthouse Square, three people near me actually flipped open their phones to call friends or co-workers, saying simply, "Hey, he's here today. The Jesus Saves Guy is here."

Following is a sample of the dialogue between JSG and a couple of particularly talented hecklers that day, young men who shouted all of their barbs in a booming, monotone voice that easily and repeatedly overwhelmed him.

JSG
I want to talk about abortion and Hitler! We all remember the atrocities of the Nazi concentration camps, but Hitler's slaughter of the Jews is nothing compared to the number of unborn children we murder in this country every day. Did you know that thousands of unborn children are legally murdered ever-

HECKLER
WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE STATISTICS?

JSG
What?

HECKLER
YOUR NUMBERS. WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR NUMBERS?

JSG
Oh, well, I have this friend-
(crowd begins to boo)
- no, no, he's very knowledgeable in the field of scie-

HECKLER
WHAT ARE HIS QUALIFICATIONS?

JSG
What?

HECKLER
YOUR FRIEND. WOULD YOU SAY THAT HE'S UNIQUELY QUALIFIED TO ASSIST YOU WITH YOUR STATISTICAL NEEDS?

(later)

JSG
I want to talk about the farce of evolution! We know for a fact that Noah had two of every animal on the ark. So for example, all dogs today came from the two dogs that were on that ark.

HECKLER
WHAT KIND OF DOGS WERE THEY?

JSG
What?

HECKLER
NOAH'S DOGS. WERE THEY SMALL OR LARGE DOGS?

JSG
It doesn't matt-

HECKLER
IT WAS PROBABLY IMPORTANT TO NOAH WHEN HE WAS PLANNING MEALS FOR THE ANIMALS.

JSG
The important thing is that evolution theory would have you believe that everything, including those dogs, came from rocks! Now what's easier to believe, I ask you?

HECKLER
EVOLUTION DOESN'T SAY THAT WE CAME FROM ROCKS, DUMBASS.

(still later)

JSG
The woman's place is in the home, caring for her children!
(crowd goes nuts with boos)

HECKLER
BAD MOVE, JESUS SAVES GUY. I THINK YOU LOST YOUR AUDIENCE.

JSG
(backtracking)
No, no, listen. Women who have children should spend more time at home with those children, rather than ruin them while selfishly pursuing their own career.

HECKLER
WHAT ABOUT INFERTILE WOMEN. WHAT SHOULD THEY DO?

JSG
Who?

HECKLER
IN. FER. TILE. WOMEN. NO BABIES ARE COMING OUT OF THEIR CERVIX. WHAT SHOULD THEY DO ALL DAY?

JSG
(pauses to take a drink from his water jug)
I want to talk about sex in popular media! Sex in the popular media is poisoning our chil-

HECKLER
DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT. WE KNOW YOU KNOW WHAT INFERTILE MEANS.

JSG
I'm asking you, have you people seen the filth that's on the television these days? It's an abomination!

HECKLER
MORE SO THAN HOMOSEXUALITY?

JSG
Oh! You want to talk about homosexu-

HECKLER
NO, NOT PARTICULARLY. WE ALL WANT TO EAT HOT DOGS AND TALK ABOUT OUR PLANS FOR THE WEEKEND.

Trouser Trauma

Walking back from lunch last week with R, always a pleasure. He's one of my favorite people, but someone who is perpetually vexed by those small bits of life that you and I take for granted.

R
I'm sick of this. I hate my pants, they never fit right.

S
You're a very oddly shaped man.

R
Yeah thanks. God! It's all wedgies, man. I can't do this anymore.

S
You know what you need to do? You need to find that one store that carries pants that fit you. Try every store, there has to be one that caters to your bizarre form.

R
I have! It's JC Penny's, man!

S
Crap.

R
(twisting pants)
This sucks.

S
Hey, how's your rash? Did that ever clear up?

R
Shut up.

Recent Challenges of Mettle, Part Two:Growing it Up

Before you began to read this sentence, you did not know that your hair has a "terminal length." And if you did know this, you most certainly did NOT know that sophisticated research by genius hair doctors has determined that the average strand of hair will grow to its terminal length in about 1,000 days. Fantastic news for those of you with three years to kill and dreams of employment with renaissance fairs.

I bring this up because for some time now, friend Whit's been trying to convince me to grow my hair out. And by out, I mean up, because when mine grows beyond the bounds of my reasonably-sized headwear, it erupts into a dirty blonde mushroom cloud. I will not entertain the idea; Gentle people will be repelled, fine dining will no longer be available, a quiet family of small, flightless birds will take up residence inside of this giant hair. The price on the challenge has always been too high to warrant more than abbreviated discussion and an easy afternoon laugh.

That is until recently, when things took a turn for the competitive. To his credit, Whit has tentatively offered to match my humiliation with his own, though he's expressed hesitation towards shaking on it until the rules of the game have been thoroughly worked out. In short, he has offered to forgo his neatly and appropriately shaved head in return for growing mine out. We would pit our unfortunate circumstances against each other - My unmanageable head of iceberg against his spare comb-over.

W
It would look great if you'd grow it out. I mean really grow it out.

S
I can't stand it when it gets too big.

W
Tell you what - I'll grow mine out and comb it over. You know how terrible it would look, but that's how much I believe in this.
(his girlfriend begins to protest, with little impact)

S
This might change things.

W
The deal is that you can't use any kind of hair product and you can't cut any part of your hair. The challenge ends when one of us gives in and goes to a barber. It'll be like a game of chicken.

S
Actually it's more like a race. A race to ugly.

In all honesty, I'm just a minor career change away from taking the bet.

Recent Challenges of Mettle, Part One:Breakfast For Lunch

Having lunch last week with friend Special K, we ended up at a classic outer-east Portland diner, breakfast until 3pm. She ordered the "Light Breakast" which included a pancake the size of a hubcap and a pound of sausage. I ordered the ham and cheese omelet which was about four feet long. I couldn't eat it all.

K
(very judgemental)
Not finishing your omelet, eh?

S
Ugh, I'm stuffed. That thing was huge!

K
Mmm hmm.

S
Don't judge me. That was way too much food.

K
Sure, sure, ok.

S Jesus, gimme a break K! I'm not a lumberjack I'm a fucking city planner.

K
(laughing)

S
We have tiny tummies.

Titans of Textile

We hate The Gap but require their blue jeans and, occasionally, a jacket from the Spring Collection. You and I are not alone in this, yet we feel so alone whenever we shop there. I'm not sure what you're doing about it, but to make myself feel better I've resolved to wind up the sales clerks on my yearly visits.

This year:

CHAD
(peppy)
You finding everything ok?

ME
Yes, I'm only here for jeans.

CHAD
Let me know if you need any help!

ME
Ok. Why do they call this place "The Gap?"

CHAD
Hmmmmm. As opposed to what?

ME
Not Gap.

CHAD
(strokes chin)
Like where did the name come from?

ME
Exactly.

CHAD
(jazz hands)
Oh, jeeeeeeeeeeeeez, I don't know! I've never been asked that before!

ME
Maybe it's on the internet. Are you guys on the internet?

CHAD
Yep! Gap dot com.

ME
The Gap dot com?

CHAD
No, just Gap! Gap dot com.

ME
Ugh, I won't remember that. They should print it on the bags.

CHAD
(happy to know the answer to this one)
It is on the bags!

ME
Hooray!

CHAD
Hooray! Ha ha ha ha!

Kids These Days!

Summer's fast approaching, and while I will happily welcome the assorted blisters and creepy ice cream mini-vans of July, I will miss riding the bus in the company of irreverant people half my age. Conversations overheard on public transportation are more entertaining than anything on my iPod and well worth the occasional underfoot puddle of Yoo-hoo. Spring break, one day old, has already given me a taste of how boring the bus is without little people, so before the school year leaves us completely, a few of the year's best bus and train quotes:

Bald Kid: The best part about the shaved head is that ALL the girls wanna touch it.
Hairy Kid: Yeah, but you're bald.

Kid 1: Daaaaaaaaaamn. That skater kid is ugly.
Kid 2: Yeah.
Kid 1: Head looks like a chicken nugget.
Kid 2: Damn.
{He says what we're all thinking.}

"It's kind of like prison, except all the kids in your cell block just got finished shopping at the mall."
{Angry 'alterna-girl' describes the experience at her preppy downtown school}

Kid 1: Remember that one kid, Speedy? He played running back.
Kid 2: No.
Kid 1: C'mon, yeah you do. Used to run all over cats up and down the field.
Kid 2: mmmmmmm...
Kid 1: Yeah, yeah, c'mon. He used to be all up in people's faces, like: 'I'm speedy, BITCH!'
Kid 2: (silence)
Kid 1: Well anyway, he was fast.

Girl: I need some coffee or something.
Boy: It's bad for you. Gonna stunt your growth and make you short. Short like me.
Girl: Short "down there."
{Every kid on the bus howls in unison.}

Girl: I wanna see a movie. Let's go Sunday.
Boy: Can't.
Girl: (clucks tongue) why?
Boy: Rabies shots.
Girl: Nuh uh! For real?
Boy: No.
Girl: I'm confused.
Boy: I know.

"Reach Out and Fuck Someone."
{Button pinned to the jacket of a high school sophmore}