Possible Outcomes of the App That Makes Your iPhone Sound Like A Dog's Squeaky Toy

1. Hilarity
2. OH MY GOD, BAD DOG

Kentucky Derby Racehorse or Celebrity Baby?

1. Atlanta Knew
2. Granacus
3. Fifi Trixibelle
4. Justice
5. War
6. Clementine
7. Alchamy
8. Skywalker
9. I Am the Game
10. Brawley King
11. Fobby Forbes
12. Larry Jr
13. Plugged Nickle
14. Paris Prince
15. Prince Michael
16. Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily
17. Vanlandingham
18. Nico Blue
19. Caveat
20. Zowie
21. Demons Begone
22. Rumbo
23. Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q. Hewson

Baby: 1, 3, 4, 6, 7, 10, 12, 15, 16, 18, 20, 23
Horse: 2, 5, 8, 9, 11, 13, 14, 17, 19, 21, 22

Your Newest Painting May Actually Be Crap

A man wearing a fanny pack and sandals has described it as "fresh" or "daring"

Your audience is no longer required to imagine Mariah Carey without clothing

It makes more sense when viewed in the presence of a live drum circle

You are attempting to redefine one or more of the following genres:
Bridges, Gazebos, Seascapes, Holidays, Inspirational, Lighthouses or "Memories"

You respond to the question, "What is it supposed to be?" by
saying either, "What do you think it is?" or "a terribly sad clown"

You had a really tough time getting that glow-in-the-dark macaroni glued on

It is a graphic depiction of your mother's vagina

What's On My Bus Seat?

Gaudy fabric
A little bit of my neighbor's leg
A couple Chicklets
Something about Jehovah
Trace amounts of feces

What to Expect After March Madness

April Acerbity
May Hem
June Jones in Your Bones
July Jimjams
Much Ado About August
Stabbin' September
Regrettable Outburst October
November Neurosis
December Dementia
Jittery-and-Covered-in-Bugs January
February Fuss

Believable Reasons For Being Late To Work

Fake dental appointment

Hypnotized by the smooth jazz on
a Weather Channel bumper segment

Something about pornography

You're a functional cocaine addict and
Thursday is the new Friday anyway

Woke up late, had a "taste for pancakes"

You have no control over your small child

Post-shower nap ran a little long

Lost will to live

Lesser Known Yoga Poses

The Eagles Pose
Bend your knees slightly, lift your left foot up and, balancing on your right foot, cross your left thigh over the right. Point your left toes toward the floor, press the foot back, and then hook the top of the foot behind the lower right calf. While still balancing on your right foot, form a four member band to compose and record four consecutive #1 pop albums in a country-flavored rock style that evokes vistas as boundless as the American West.

Overlong Toilet Stay Pose
Popular with men, this position is easiest to achieve on the weekend. Exhale and bend your knees, trying to take the thighs as nearly parallel to the floor as possible. The knees will project out over the feet, and the torso will lean slightly forward over the thighs until the front torso forms approximately a right angle with the tops of the thighs. Hold this position and read one complete Lifestyle section of your local newspaper while your instructor yells repeatedly that you’d "better light a match in there." Stay in form until your legs begin to tremble and go numb.

We Don't Need Another Hero Pose
A tribute to the theme song for 1985's Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, this complicated pose begins by kneeling with your thighs perpendicular to the floor, and touching your inner knees together. Slide your feet apart, slightly wider than your hips, with the tops of the feet flat on the floor. Now, imagine yourself in a harsh, post-apocalyptic environment with no electricity or high technology. Angle your big toes slightly in toward each other and press the top of each foot evenly on the floor as you sketch the plans for a crude methane refinery, probably fueled by pig feces and the engine of a battered semi-truck. With your energy plans complete, challenge your neighbor to a death duel in the Thunderdome, with the understanding that the victor will maintain the controlled chaos of "Bartertown." Eons later in the ruins of Sydney, tell the story of your dystopic adventures to a band of angry, haggard children who aspire to follow your legacy.

Forlorn Grocery Clerk Pose
Step your right foot forward about a foot in front of your left knee, and rotate your right thigh outwardly - Do this by lifting the inner sole away from the floor and resting the foot on the outer heel. Keeping your back perfectly straight, slowly reach towards the floor and grasp an invisible box of spaghetti. Raise up from the floor and in one continuous movement, lift the box to an imagined shelf high above your head. Repeat this exact same movement for 8-10 hours. Now, inhale the nitrous oxide from three whipped cream cans, curl into a tight ball and softly cry yourself to sleep.

Bad Dog Pose
A good pose to pass the time with, this variation on the popular "downward dog" position begins with lowering yourself to the floor on your hands and knees. Set your knees directly below your hips and your hands slightly forward of your shoulders. Spread your palms, index fingers parallel or slightly turned out, and turn your toes under. Holding this form, take a small belonging of great value or sentimental importance and slowly, methodically chew on it until it is worthless and unrecognizable.

Some Reasons You Might Need To Drive Around The City in That Land Rover Equipped With an Engine Snorkel

Insider knowledge about the wrath of God

Trying to get ahead of the whole “Boat Utility Vehicle” craze

Dared by unstable relative to purchase the most
impractical car available to you

Not very good at negotiating with car salesmen

You are Aquaman and you need a discreet way to
access your partially submerged lair

Pretty upset by all that tsunami business last year

Eccentric billionaire

You are concerned about the size of your penis,
but thought that buying a monster truck would be too “hillbilly”

Newest business venture:
Urban Safari trips through neighborhoods with poor drainage

Less Popular Nativity Scene Figurines

Jesus’ Bloated Uncle Charlie with Easy Chair
Wise Man Bearing Gift of Foul Smelling Regional Cuisine
Stray Dog
Charleton Heston as Moses
Joseph (missing one arm)
The Peeping Tom
Unicorn
Shepherd with Suspicious Rash

A Few of The Unfortunate Side Effects Experienced After Taking A Double Dose of Recently-Expired Tussin

Shampoo and conditioner applied to hair in reverse order

Suddenly unable to follow "push" and "pull" directions
posted on all doors

Fed dog food to the cat, cat immediately vomited on sofa

Very sweaty

Made peanut butter and peanut butter sandwich for lunch

Left toilet seat up, got yelled at

Got on the wrong train, ended up at the airport

Night terrors

Only able to respond to elevator small talk with
grunting, pointing and scratching

Partially colorblind (may be pre-existing)

Offered to help friends move next Saturday at 8am,
morning after trendy indie-rock concert

Bought several hundred dollars worth of irregular pants
at Ross Dress For Less

Tried to pay for coffee with an old gas receipt

Can't remember my favorite fruit (pears?)

Four words: Black belt, brown shoes

Lesser Known Chess Moves

The Giddyup
Funky Bishop Invasion
The Bitchslap
Lick 'em and Stick 'em
The Wiggler
White Flight
Pawn of the Dead
Stab your opponent in the arm with a queen
The Jesse Owens 1935 Long Jump
Rook-a-Dooked
Surplus Manure
X-mate
Bishops A Boppin'
Fianchetto with a twist of lemon and a beer back
Stranger Danger
The Wedgie

Some Things I Honked at During the Month of September

Man dressed in chicken suit playing banjo for grand opening of sheet music store

The rising cost of gasoline

Leaning forward to retrieve bag of Doritos dropped on floor, shoulder hits horn

Excited about possible Bigfoot sighting (pile of wet carpets)

Upset about sun shining in eyes, too low for sun shade

Passing by overturned ice cream truck

Classic rock station announces 30 minute "Get The Led Out" Rock Block

Jaywalker (young, baggy pants, not enough hustle)

Woman who looked like Gallagher, pre 1980

"Last Chance Corn Dogs, 2 for $1.00"

Encouragment for man running from small brush fire

Construction worker picking nose, early morning

Cows humping

Driving through tunnel (very dark)

Remembering that I left the coffee pot on

The obvious and unforgivable incompetence of others (37 instances)

Some New Numbers That Are Not Likely To Catch On

Thrix
One Hundred Fifty Eleven
Popteenth
Tenish
Fifthever
Smoothety
H
Littlo
A Texas Dozen (18)
Half-Two
The Dangle
Thirty-Fresh
Greg
Highty

Nicknames That Will Not Be Well Received By This Summer's Interns

Pigeon
Mayor McFaxes
Special Projects
Oddjob
The Errand-Bot 3000
Workling
Human Shield
Hey
Freebie
Lionel Not-So-Richie
Caveat
Baron Von Get-Me-Some-Coffee
Captain Mailmerge
Emanuel Labor
Not Paul, the kid that's faster than Paul
Jimtern

Fictional Board Games You Might Consider,Given The Appropriate Circumstances

Oodles of Poodles
Taco Quest
Oil Change!
Adventures in Difficult Math
Catbox
The Perfect Tomato
Tossgammon
Unpopular Candy Land, White Chocolate Edition
The Game of Hate and Divorce
Smell This
Backwash Challenge
Popedoggle!

The Cows May Have Come Home

Unexplained increase in long-distance calls to
unfamiliar Midwestern towns

Bathroom reading material appears lightly chewed

New soy milk repeatedly found in trash

Somehow, hay in the bed

Meats in freezer labeled "Disappointing" and "Unfortunate"

Unannounced visits by polite members of local Hindu Temple

Uncle Frank asking if "anyone else smells that"
more often than usual

At night, the soft rustle of tail switching through open windows

Eight Minutes

A co-worker cites a study recommending that public presentations be no longer than eight minutes, then proceeds to give a twenty minute presentation that no one is able to pay attention to.

What's magic about eight minutes? Eight minutes is the average length of a television program segment shown between commercials. The study suggests that the attention span of modern Americans has been defined by television. You are not shocked. But why stop at public presentations? Why not limit other tedious affairs to the eight minute attention span of American Idol addicts?

8 Minute Traditional Wedding Reception
Bride and Groom arrive to a standing ovation, as no chairs have been provided. After cutting cake, the remaining four minutes are used to dance to the radio edit of (Everything I Do) I Do It For You by Bryan Adams. Guests are handed Chicken Cordon Bleu in to-go containers, just before the lights go out.

8 Minute Court Trial
Defense and Prosecution are each allotted three minutes for DYNAMIC AND COMPELLING PowerPoint presentations. Remaining two minutes are used to deal with technical difficulties caused by the projector.

8 Minute Game of Monopoly with Family
Assuming a four member family, each member is given a minute and a half to hand over all money to the player that usually wins. Winning player will use his/her time to gloat shamelessly and rub fake money on some part of the face or chest. Two minutes reserved for uncomfortable, murderous rampage of youngest child, ripping in half several Community Chest cards while screaming "I hate this family."

8 Minute Symphony
Piccolo solo: Gone. Also, no more oboe (sorry Prokofiev).

8 Minute Football Game
Each team selects its fastest player to run 100 yards with the ball in hand while the opposing team chases them. Ten yard head start, coin toss determines which team goes first. Two minutes at the end allotted for players to shout "This is MY house, bitch!" at each other.

8 Minute High School Graduation
Names of graduates are flashed on a large screen while a guest speaker recites a succinct poem about the bittersweet nature of life. Valedictorian and Salutatorian are asked to stand for a polite round of applause as the school principal mispronounces "Kenny Steunkleman" as "Kenny Stinkelman." One minute reserved for streaker to run through auditorium playing a slide whistle.

8 Minute Abs
Popular abdominal workout series available on VHS. No changes.

8 Minute NASCAR Race
Name of "Daytona 500" race changed to "Daytona Slightly Less Than 500 Seconds." Spectators are urged to arrive drunk and induce crashes by throwing rocks or firing handguns at less popular racers.

8 Minute Children's Dance Recital
Well choreographed and executed five minute rendition of "The Good Ship Lollipop" followed by three minutes of children milling around the stage, waving to audience, hitting each other, vomiting, crying and pulling down someone else's pants.

8 Minute Holiday Parade
Float, float, people on horses, float, dancing band from well known Southern college, float, street sweepers, deranged and incoherent homeless man.

What's Missing From Your Vegan Meal?

Moo
A sense of accomplishment
Wow
Mmmmmm
The sweet viscous fluid of bees
Confidence
Snouts and anus, probably
Soul
"A side of ranch, or blue cheese if you have it"
Smething slippery
Hope
A desire for seconds
Laughter

Another Short List for Friday

Commonplace Phrases from Your Workplace That Could be Mistaken for Sexual Euphemisms by Someone Who Has Been Without Relations for a Number of Months, Non-Autobiographical

"We welcome your rebuttal"

"I'm a big fan of direct deposit"

"We should tell them where to park it - they may have a lot to unload."

"A little later in the meeting, Paul's going to fill us all in, right Paul?"

"You have a visitor downstairs"

"OK, I'll be finished in five minutes"

"We ask that you please NOT attempt to stuff oversized packages into people's inboxes."

"You know Shirley in Finance? She and I had sex on this table once."

Possible Last Names for Men Who Are Nicknamed Al, Listed in Order from Most to Least Cool

Wright
B. Sure
Fours
Overitt
A. Cart
Fresco
Roker

More Mildly Upsetting Fortune-Cookie Messages

"Your birthday is difficult to remember"

"The Starbucks barista you've been flirting with finds you shrill and unoriginal"

"Your new mail carrier is moderately dyslexic and dissatisfied with her occupation"

"Those yogurt containers are not actually recyclable"

"Your tattoo is confusing and inappropriate for your age"

"Your dog sometimes chews on things important to others"

"Several members of your yoga class have discussed your loose-fitting short pants"

{The original mildly upsetting messages ran here, once upon a time}

Hard Lessons Learned by Arnold of Television's "Diff'rent Strokes"

We all loved bearing witness to Arnold Drummond's hijinx, before he grew up and bought a condo in Crazy Town. But did you see ever through your Otter Pop sugar buzz to the real subtext of those old episodes? Not likely.

Episode 0107: When Arnold is in trouble for putting his goldfish in Mr. Drummond's hot tub, Willis insists that it's wrong to convict him without a trial. The whole family, with Mrs. Garrett as judge, comes up with an important verdict and Arnold learns the hard way that the American judicial system is hopelessly biased against African American males.

Episode 0208: Willis' screwy version of the facts of life leaves Arnold with misconceptions about the birds and the bees and Mr. Drummond on tenterhooks. Arnold repeats his "knowledge" to a neighbor's daughter, but the girl's mother is not amused. Arnold learns the hard way that America is largely populated by religious zealots whose misguided belief systems make it nearly impossible to talk openly about sex.

Episode 0423: A famed choreographer encourages Arnold to learn ballet, but his youthful dancing days could be numbered when Willis' taunting remarks convince Arnold to drop out of an upcoming recital. Arnold learns the hard way that his brother's a dick.

Episode 0409: Arnold and Willis go on a hunger strike to save a historic landmark when they learn construction by Mr. Drummond's company may destroy what could be an ancient Indian burial ground. Arnold learns the hard way that ancient Indian burial grounds won’t be formally protected by the Native American Graves Protection and Repatriation Act for another 8 years. Mr. Drummond can in fact quote, do whatever he goddamn wants with his land, unquote.

Episode 0501: Arnold is determined to defeat brother Willis at his own game and dethrone him as local video game champ, but in doing so Arnold's passion becomes a destructive "addiction" that could have serious consequences. Arnold learns the hard way that the symptoms of carpal tunnel syndrome usually start gradually but can linger for months, with frequent burning, tingling, or itching numbness in the palm of the hand and the fingers, especially the important thumb, index and middle fingers.

Episode 0611: Arnold is disappointed to discover that his favorite teacher moonlights as a cocktail waitress, but he's stunned when he learns why she has to work the second job. Arnold learns the hard way that he will be oppressed by student loan payments for most of his adult life.

Episode 0111: A lonely Arnold comes up with a method of gaining his family's attention. Unfortunately his plan works a little too well; he ends up with everyone's attention, including the family doctor. Arnold learns the hard way that there’s nothing funny about rickets.

A Few of the Names Submitted For A Recent Round of "The Famous Name Game"

:
The Beastmaster
Queen Latifah
Chuck E. Cheese
Long Duk Dong
Roscoe P. Coltrane
Salt
Surly Duff
Crispus Attucks
Merrill Stubing
Mr. Fuji
Uncle Fezziwig
TK 421
Koko Beware
Jolly Green Giant
Ziggy
Captain Lou Albano
Uncle Ben
The Hulkster
Barfy

The Famous Name Game is a group game that requires teams of people to take turns at trying to guess the name of a "famous" person or fictional character being described by their partner. Names are written down by all participants and thrown into a bowl before the game starts, to be drawn and described in turn by each team during rapid fire one-minute segments. The person doing the describing may not speak any part of the famous name and those guessing the name must say it in its entirety, exactly as it's written on the card.

The friend that submitted all of the names above - we'll call him Pablo to protect his identity, although his real name is Whit Spencer - Pablo has long since earned my admiration for his steel trap memory and endless origination of practical ideas. But he took it all to a new level this weekend, making a classic Famous Name Game power play by choosing a thicket of pop culture references that would mostly be lost on the other members of my team - two bright young women who were not raised on WWF Wrestling or other such terrible television. As a result, they beat the pants off us, though it is worth noting that "TK 421" was disqualified because no one knew who it was. Besides Pablo.

I'll Take "Popes-A-Poppin" to Win in the Fifth

Hold onto your tall, pointy, wildly unstable hats - The new pope odds have just arrived from Vegas! That's Larry Vegas, amateur oddsman and occasional vending machine repairman from Newark. Direct your inquiries to: theothervegas@swelldone.com.

Popetential: Francis Arinze (Nigerian)
Born: Nov. 1, 1932
Synopsis: Favored for his relations with Islam, Arinze would be the first African pope in more than 1,500 years.
Larry Says: I like Arinze as a sleeper in this one, a nice shake-up alternative to the wrinkly old white guys we always gotta look at. How good would he look in those robes? GOOD. On the downside, CNN says he was born into an "animist" family in Africa. I thought that was the Pokemon all the kids go nuts for, but whatever - it don't sound like something the Catholic Church would like. Odds: 7-1

Popetential: Jorge Mario Bergoglio (Argentine)
Born: Dec. 17, 1936
Synopsis: A trained chemist known for "mixing it up" with the common man.
Larry Says: Bergoglio. Bergoglio. Sounds Italian to me, so maybe this guy's got a shot. There's always some of the cardinals that don't pay attention and they're gonna just have to vote for one of the Italianish sounding pope guys (to be on the safe side) so he's good for at least a few slop-votes. On the other hand, he's not actually allowed to wear the Big Hat on account of he's a Jesuit. Talk about not thinking through your long term options. Bad move-i-o, Mario. Odds: 20-1

Popetential: Dario Castrillon Hoyos (Colombian)
Born: July 4, 1929
Synopsis: Well rounded representative of the Latin American Catholic population.
Larry Says: "Say allo to mah li'l friend!" Ha ha, no seriously - now this guy's got a REAL Latin sounding name, which could work for or against him. I don't know which, and my salisbury steak dinner just dinged, so I'm gonna guess on this one. Odds: 8-1

Popetential: Godfried Danneels (Belgian)
Born: June 4, 1933
Synopsis: A gifted preacher considered the main liberal contender for the papacy.
Larry Says: Pay attention all you pinkos - THIS IS YOUR POPE. The Vatican's gonna be a whoooooole lot sexier if this guy gets the hat, cause he's already asked for women to be allowed in top positions AND he's suggested that maybe rubbers ain't so bad after all. Coincidence? I don't think so. He's also got the word "God" in his name. C'moooooon. Odds: 5-1.

Popetential: Ivan Dias (Indian)
Born: April 14, 1936
Synopsis: Conservative Bombay native that spent most of his adult life serving the Church outside of his home country.
Larry's Analysis: An Asian Pope? Next. Odds: N/A

Popetential: Joseph Ratzinger (German)
Born: April 16, 1927
Synopsis: A steely, ultra-conservative intellect concealed beneath a meek demeanor, he's known for publicly declaring Protestant churches as morally "deficient."
Larry's Analysis: Scary! Hey, if Bush can get more than half of America, why shouldn't this guy get half a the 117 red guys? He should, and he might do. He's pretty much running the place right now anyway. Odds: 3-1

Popetential: Giovanni Battista Re (Italian)
Born: Jan. 30, 1934
Synopsis: Long-time Vatican insider, has helped solve some of the most difficult administrative problems of the Church.
Larry's Analysis: Heeeeeeeeey, I lika this guy! He's a career bureaucrat, so he's not gonna be scootin' around the world in the Popemobile all the time. He's also from Italy, which is like Mecca for these people. On the other hand, he knows everyone's dirty secrets, so he's better off just writing some raunchy memoirs and calling it good. Odds: 6-2

Popetential: Oscar Andres Rodriguez Maradiaga (Honduran)
Born: Dec. 29, 1942
Synopsis: A young and fiery proponent of social justice who's fluent in 6 languages.
Larry's Analysis: Too young! Pope's gotta have one foot in or at least good odds of a deadly illness, so he don't stick around too long and go crazy. Odds: 15-1

Popetential: Christoph Schoenborn (Austrian)
Born: Jan. 22, 1945
Synopsis: Accomplished theologian known for his broad intellectual capacity.
Larry's Analysis: Even younger than the Honduran and plus, people are gonna make "Pope-inator" jokes. I heard he's only in this thing because he made the kind of french toast that PJP liked (crunchy outside and squishy inside), but don't quote me on that. Odds: 16-1

Popetential: Angelo Scola (Italian)
Born: Nov. 7, 1941
Synopsis: Considered an "open-minded" conservative that would likely continue in the trajectory of John Paul.
Larry's Analysis: Jesus, how many of these guys are there? Odds: I don't know, 6-1?

Popetential: Dionigi Tettamanzi (Italian)
Born: March 14, 1934
Synopsis: A prolific writer and conservative theologian, this powerful head of Milan's archdiocese has many friends and few enemies
Larry's Analysis: This guy's the safe money for the Pope-acy, middle of the road with stuff for everybody. Against rubbers? Check. In favor of the right to protest? Check. Doesn't mean he's gonna listen to you though. He also don't travel much and he only knows one language, so you gotta wonder - what's he doing with all that spare time? Play Station 2. Odds: 2-1

Some Lists for Which I Have No Lists

Phrases That Sound Better When Spoken With a British Accent
Lesser Known Holiday Traditions
Better With Bacon
Ill-Advised Charity Car Washes
Several Weekends Worth Forgetting
Less Popular Crayola Crayon Colors
Nordic Death Metal Band or Ikea Furniture?
Suggested Nicknames For Your Summer Intern
Socks or No Socks?

{I'm started and stumped on most of these for several months now; co-authorship opportunities available, inquire within.}

Appropriate uses for the Steaming Hot Water in my office kitchen, advertised to be 190 degrees but which I have personally measured to be only 97.

Lightly cooked oatmeal
Sink-bath for baby
Splash fight!
Poorly brewed coffee for afternoon meeting with pro bono clients
Soothing foot soak
Acheiving that "wet look" desirable in erotic portraiture
Mixed laundry

{Editor's Note: The water's been fixed as of late, evidenced by the scald received while trying to initiate a splash fight.}

Yanni Song or Ralph Lauren Paint Color?

1. November Sky
2. Nairobi Dusk
3. Thunder Bay
4. Enchantment
5. Seven Seas
6. Port of Mystery
7. Twilight
8. Cotswold Breeches
9. Butterfly Dance
10. Desire
11. Mythic Forest
12. Reflections of Passion
13. Throne

Answers
Yanni: 1, 4, 6, 9, 10, 12
Paint: 2, 3, 5, 8, 11, 13
Both: 7