What Must Actually Happen When I Press the CLOSE DOOR Button in My Building’s Elevator

A panel that says “Asshole in Elevator 3” is illuminated at the security desk.

A claims adjuster conducting a very sensitive meeting on the 12th floor stands up and says, “Before we go any further, I’m just going to close this door.”

The building’s window washer receives a mild electric shock, causing him to momentarily lose his balance and do a poor job cleaning my office window.

A door to a hidden room is opened nearby, releasing 3-6 people who will board the elevator just as the doors close and each select different floors.

A flight of white doves is freed from a cage on the roof of the building, inspiring passersby to be peaceful and patient.

“Close The Door” by Teddy Pendergrass begins playing in the lobby cafe.

Several seconds are deducted from my life expectancy.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

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