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Messages from Our Dear Commissioner, Who Is A Perfect Incarnation of the Appearance that a Fantasy Football Commissioner Should Have

From: League Commissioner, Guiding Ray of the Sun
Subject: Let us adjust the scoring settings this year
Unification of all teams into a collective that is neutral, peaceful and majestic, should be the primary objective of all participants in the league this year. Following unification, teams will achieve true independence by contributing all fantasy points to the collective each week. All scoring categories will remain unchanged from previous years, however the total number of points to be awarded has been modified to support the primary objective. Individual player performance is an unnecessary distraction from the daily work of the league and will not be measured; all teams will be allocated the same number of points each week in order that they may contribute equally to the well-being of the collective and benefit from its trust and love. Serving the collective with selfless heart will allow all team owners to have a proud season.

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From: Beloved and Respected Commissioner
Subject: Drafting is a science
From his early years, Dear Commissioner has possessed the power of keen observation, the power of clear analysis and extraordinary perspicacity with regard to the identification of “duds and studs” in pre-draft planning. His unusual natural disposition as a child was nurtured by his father who told him of the lofty idea of the Option Offense, cherished by his grandfather, which embedded the perfect understanding of fantasy football draft strategy in his heart. Therefore, to create an atmosphere of reconciliation and unity, the most faithful successor to the cause of the collective will administer tomorrow’s draft. Please do not log in until the Peerless Leader has completed drafting your team.

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From: Glorious Commissioner Who Descended from Heaven
Subject: On trades and the preservation of the revolutionary results of the draft
Trading between teams is not necessary. Glorious Commissioner has ensured a perfect draft.

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From: Great Commissioner, Invincible and Iron-Willed
Subject: On some problems of the ideological foundation of the quarterback
The role of a quarterback is the subject of much theoretical debate. Just as the members of the collective contribute to its well-being, each team player must be expected to give selflessly to advance the gloriousness of the season. The delineation of positions, however, is evidence of a hostile class structure that breeds an atmosphere of antagonism and inequality. At the top of this class system is the quarterback. He frequently exhibits the capitalist’s characteristics of individual demand which, when divorced from the needs of the collective, becomes selfish greed. Only through revolution can the once oppressed and lowly lineman realize true joy and freedom in his contribution to the collective. Effective immediately, the position of quarterback has been eliminated from your rosters.

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From: The Commissioner Who Is A Man of Deeds
Subject: Dues are the life of the league
It is impossible to achieve revolutionary unification of the collective without the financial contribution of all teams in the league. Teams cannot be considered to have joined the collective until they have contributed all of their monthly wages–minus those amounts necessary for the most critical game-day sustenance and shelter–to fund the administration of the league. Additionally if adjustments to a team’s weekly lineups are desired, such as in the case of bye weeks, the team owner must make payment each Saturday in the form of one box of tobacco.

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From: Supreme Commissioner, Symbol of the League’s Unification
Subject: Abuses of the league collective are intolerable during the playoffs
There is a natural instinct of the independent, creative and conscious team owner to lead a dignified season. Because a team owner receives dignity from his participation in the league collective, he is therefore reliant on the collective for the worth of his season; his season is worthless when he is forsaken by it. A traditional playoff structure is disruptive to the harmony of the collective as each team owner is encouraged to separate himself from the collective by virtue of defeating his comrades. Therefore, following the playoff period all team point totals will be reduced to zero so that every owner may have the benefit of a successful playoff experience. To ensure the continued health of the collective, all team owners will acknowledge its magnificence each morning by singing the anthem, “Our League is A Nice League to Be In.”

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From: Supreme Commissioner, Symbol of the League’s Unification
Subject: Let us exalt the brilliance of our Commissioner’s command of the league this year and congratulate him on winning the championship
In his triumph, Dear Commissioner has unified the entire league as a revolutionary family. His victory is your victory. Let us pay tribute with 600 push-ups and await instructions for participation next season.

One Response to “Messages from Our Dear Commissioner, Who Is A Perfect Incarnation of the Appearance that a Fantasy Football Commissioner Should Have”

  1. Mark Russell

    Glorious Commissioner is like a golden eagle protecting us all! His wise and paternal leadership creates a never-ending abundance of late draft steals and bye-week pickups!

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