A Leg Up

I walked out of my downtown building the other day and was frozen by the sight of a man across the street. He was older, distinguished, in the style of a well dressed, silver haired pilot – actually, judging by the style of the bag he was holding he probably was a pilot. You know the bag, the classy, double wide black leather pilot’s briefcase, covered in stickers and worn at the corners from a thousand stowings. He was thin and tall with a jaw so chiseled I could see its angle from fifty yards when he took a drag from his cigarette. He was staring directly at me.

I probably wouldn’t have noticed him except for one significant detail. Rather than standing normally on the sidewalk, this man was propping one of his legs up on the edge of a very tall raised planter bed. It was so tall that the his knee was raised well above his belt, an absurd stance better suited for stretching than waiting casually for a bus. I knew immediately that this man and his stance were special, but being far too intimidated by his high leg and frontal gaze, I instead casually crossed the street and circled around behind him to take this picture.

My wife loves to point out when men are standing unnecessarily in this position, filing it under a long list of testosterone peculiarities alongside favorites like “not asking for directions” and “laughing at beer commercials.” She’s mentioned it enough that I’m now hyper aware and terribly self conscious of my own urge to occasionally stand this way, leg raised in a gesture of comfortable confidence. I’ve started noticing it on other men too and have concluded that there are four primary scenarios in which men employ a leg lift:

Instance: Speaking to a member of the opposite sex
Message: In addition to enjoying what I am saying, please also enjoy this unobstructed view of my genitals

Instance: Standing in a group of other men
Message: I am more confident than you and please also enjoy this unobstructed view of my large genitals

Instance: Surveying a battlefield or sporting contest
Message: I will win this war/contest and offer my opponent an unobstructed view of my genitals

Instance: Observing a sweeping vista
Message: This view is amazing but have you seen the view of my unobstructed genitals?

You get the idea. Yet none of these account for this man that I encountered, who was doing nothing more than smoking a cigarette while waiting for a ride. Is there a fifth scenario? Maybe something to do with the outrageous height of the lift? Or perhaps something about the Men’s Wearhouse across the street.  You’re going to like this unobstructed view of my genitals, I guarantee it.

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