I Went To The Corn Maze And All I Got Was This Lousy Murderous Rage

Autumn is upon us and those with agriculture nearby hesitantly welcome the return of the giant corn maze. These elaborate mazes, carved into expansive fields of late summer corn, look great in photographs and from helicopters, but once you’re inside them it’s nothing but rotten corn, rotten corn, biting flies, rotten corn, mud, an old sneaker, and more corn. I find it impossible to keep my spirits up after the first hour of walking, arguing and looking at corn, so please do take along these tips for making the experience tolerable:

1. Go with other people, especially people smaller and weaker than you. Not only will you have someone to easily cannibalize when you become hopelessly lost and stranded, you’ll need a target for the moldy ears of corn you’re going to want to pick and throw. Aim for the small of the back and spiral it like a football for maximum bruising. Alternately, drop an ear or two into the back of your companion’s loose fitting pants.

2. Try to find the hidden speakers, disconnect them. Many of these terrible mazes will be dotted with music speakers, hidden deep inside the corn. On a good day you might actually enjoy bluegrass music, but nothing’s worse than the taunting twang of a mandolin when you’re lost, exhausted and ready to strangle the next person who says “Wait. No hold on. We just came this way. I think. Does this rotting corn stalk look familiar?”

3. Count the scavenging birds circling overhead. First one to ten wins the chance to decide your next wrong turn.

4. Disagree with everyone. Even if you actually think they’re right, suggest going in a different direction. If someone calls you out for being difficult, call them a fascist while goose-stepping in frantic circles. You’ll still be miserable, but you’ll be the least miserable person in your party.

5. Talk constantly and loudly about how hungry you are and how many caramel apples you’re going to eat when you finally “get out of this goddamn corn hole.” You won’t actually make it out before the caramel apple stand closes, so plan to go out for pizza later.

6. Bust through the walls. Contrary to the instructions posted at the beginning of the maze, busting through the walls saves a tremendous amount of time and energy. You might step in some nasty stuff and your hair WILL be covered with disgusting bugs, but sweet baby Jesus, it’s worth it.

4 Responses to “I Went To The Corn Maze And All I Got Was This Lousy Murderous Rage”

  1. furey

    The Pacific Northwest seems so cool, Sloan.
    That’s it.
    We’re coming to visit.
    Get ready.

  2. me


    I so want to hang out with you and smoke the dove sac that you’ve been gettin’ up there.

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