Eddie and Ramone Will Freak Your Shit Out

Have you seen these two? Eddie and Ramone are jive walkers and they will freak your shit out! Do you know about jive walking, have you seen it? Someone listens to music in headphones, walks on a crowded street or in a shopping mall, and dances like they’re alone in the dark or maybe stranded alone on a super high-tech island that was built for hosting illegal dance parties in international waters. They jive walk like they invented dancing itself and no one can judge their abilities because how can you judge the very people who created all forms of movement to music? You’ll die trying, I promise you. Better people have tried to judge these jive walkers and the same thing always happens. Failure.Eddie and Ramone are no different, they cannot be judged. They are gorgeous. They have matching pants with many useless zippers, black pants and red tank tops. Muscles, oh god yes. Very tan skin. Both of them are gifts to us, gifts from the god Apollo, helping us understand how miserable and sad we are. We are zombies to them! And together, a duo, they are more powerful than any other single jive walker will ever be. Did I mention that they are virtually identical in appearance? The only way you can tell them apart is by noticing that Eddie always wears aviator-style sunglasses. Please friend, don’t mess with Eddie’s sunglasses. He’ll bite you! I’m not kidding.

Eddie and Ramone can see perfectly up to a half mile away, they always know when it’s about to rain and they’re explosive when they jive walk. They have matching music devices that I think are MP3 players. I haven’t really ever been close enough to see. They synchronize these matching music devices at the beginning of each jive walking session, so they’re always on the same beat. They prefer to jive walk to “The Grunt” by the JBs and sometimes to “Honky Tonk Popcorn” by Bill Dogget because they have very similar funky drum breaks. It might sound boring, but trust me, it’s easier if they use the same song again and again. This one time, Ramone started to jive walk to “The Grunt” when he was supposed to start to “Honky Tonk Popcorn” and Eddie went fucking crazy, bit Ramone’s shoulder – I’m serious! I don’t care what anyone on the sidewalk said that day, you don’t bite your jive walking partner’s shoulder. That’s messed up. You will agree with me, however, that it does demonstrate a certain level of passion and commitment, even to the casual observer.

I’ve seen them perform dozens of times and sometimes I follow them for miles, wishing they would notice me. But how could they? I am a zombie to them, just like you. They only notice each other, these two, and they will live and die within seconds of each other for every remaining moment.

Their moves are incredible.

They’ve been described in the papers as a cross between pop music’s Tom Jones and television’s Fred “Rerun” Berry, God rest his soul, but I don’t see the Tom Jones, personally. I would have said Easy Rock, the famous breakdancer, based solely on the strength of Ramone’s headspins and Eddie’s atomic hollowback. I promise you will spit out your beverage when you see them and I still haven’t told you the most remarkable thing about Eddie and Ramone.

Eddie and Ramone are monkeys.

You heard me. Eddie and Ramone are actually three year old howler monkeys. You should see them with their headphones on and those little red tank tops! You’ll lose your mind, man.

When I see them though, I like to think about the man who trained them, Dr. Eddie Phelps. I marvel at the dedication and vision this human Eddie has and how much he’s given to me, to all of us on streets and in shopping malls. Whenever and wherever I see his monkeys jive walking, Eddie Phelps is always close by. He’s usually in white pants, a Hawaiian shirt and aviator-style sunglasses. I haven’t ever approached him though, I’m far too shy and he’s far too serious. I know, you’d think that a man who spent three years raising and training two howler monkeys to synchronize-jive-walk in an urban environment would be fun to talk to and maybe even dance with. But you’d be wrong. Dr. Eddie Phelps doesn’t ever dance.

Not any more.

4 Responses to “Eddie and Ramone Will Freak Your Shit Out”

  1. Anonymous

    I used to know that guy Justin in NY who worked for Sony and was into extreme street walking. Like, he’d jump up on poles and dance walking. It was weird. He only ate grilled cheese sandwiches and that’s it.


  2. Eddie Phelps

    I think his last name was Timberlake, or something funny like that. I wonder whatever happened to that guy.

  3. kate

    There are many reasons to visit the west coast next summer*: crowd my brother and his bride; get another tatoo; show our boys how cool it is to breathe in smog. Now we can add: watch monkeys dance on the streets of Portland or drink the water, let our imagination take over, and PRETEND that’s what we see. Either way. It’s gonna be a fun trip.

    *Disclaimer: If we don’t squeeze out another child between now and then.

  4. SS

    My dear, if you drink the water of this town, you won’t leave. I promise.

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