Eddie and Ramone Will Freak Your Shit Out
Eddie and Ramone can see perfectly up to a half mile away, they always know when it’s about to rain and they’re explosive when they jive walk. They have matching music devices that I think are MP3 players. I haven’t really ever been close enough to see. They synchronize these matching music devices at the beginning of each jive walking session, so they’re always on the same beat. They prefer to jive walk to “The Grunt” by the JBs and sometimes to “Honky Tonk Popcorn” by Bill Dogget because they have very similar funky drum breaks. It might sound boring, but trust me, it’s easier if they use the same song again and again. This one time, Ramone started to jive walk to “The Grunt” when he was supposed to start to “Honky Tonk Popcorn” and Eddie went fucking crazy, bit Ramone’s shoulder – I’m serious! I don’t care what anyone on the sidewalk said that day, you don’t bite your jive walking partner’s shoulder. That’s messed up. You will agree with me, however, that it does demonstrate a certain level of passion and commitment, even to the casual observer.
I’ve seen them perform dozens of times and sometimes I follow them for miles, wishing they would notice me. But how could they? I am a zombie to them, just like you. They only notice each other, these two, and they will live and die within seconds of each other for every remaining moment.
Their moves are incredible.
They’ve been described in the papers as a cross between pop music’s Tom Jones and television’s Fred “Rerun” Berry, God rest his soul, but I don’t see the Tom Jones, personally. I would have said Easy Rock, the famous breakdancer, based solely on the strength of Ramone’s headspins and Eddie’s atomic hollowback. I promise you will spit out your beverage when you see them and I still haven’t told you the most remarkable thing about Eddie and Ramone.
Eddie and Ramone are monkeys.
You heard me. Eddie and Ramone are actually three year old howler monkeys. You should see them with their headphones on and those little red tank tops! You’ll lose your mind, man.
When I see them though, I like to think about the man who trained them, Dr. Eddie Phelps. I marvel at the dedication and vision this human Eddie has and how much he’s given to me, to all of us on streets and in shopping malls. Whenever and wherever I see his monkeys jive walking, Eddie Phelps is always close by. He’s usually in white pants, a Hawaiian shirt and aviator-style sunglasses. I haven’t ever approached him though, I’m far too shy and he’s far too serious. I know, you’d think that a man who spent three years raising and training two howler monkeys to synchronize-jive-walk in an urban environment would be fun to talk to and maybe even dance with. But you’d be wrong. Dr. Eddie Phelps doesn’t ever dance.
Not any more.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.