Ruin Your Morning: A Primer (autobiographical)

1. Bike two miles to work in hard, driving rain while wearing 100% cotton clothing. A substantial portion of your ride should take place in a narrow lane, trapped behind a large “beach cruiser” style bicycle throwing off a six-foot high rooster-tail of dirty rain water.

2. Drip-walk through the lobby of your office when at least five dry, caffeinated co-workers are waiting for the elevator. Have the on-duty security guard call attention to you with “Whoa wow!” comment followed immediately by building maintenance staff “drowned rat!” comment. Fumble around pathetically in wet pants for key card while co-workers giggle.

3. Walk into building locker room, occupied by naked co-worker wearing only shower shoes. Shiver from cold and impending sense of doom. Confirm doom when Shower Shoes says to you, “What the fuck are you doing down here? Did you fall asleep in a gutter last night?”

4. Avert your eyes.

5. Realize you have no belt.

6. Realize you have no dry underwear.

7. It’s 8:20.

8. Let’s do this thing.

2 Responses to “Ruin Your Morning: A Primer (autobiographical)”

  1. Jege (Jen)

    That could have been my morning.

    At the last minute I said fuck the bike, and fuck the bus twice; I’m driving to work.

  2. your parents

    We still have a room for you here in Florida.

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