Our Janitor, He Has A Very Positive Attitude

In the Break Room

Hi Steve! Say, can I take those newspapers away from you? Gotta keep the place clean! No no, that’s fine, if you’re not done with them yet I can hang out over here and wait for you to finish reading. Hey by the way, did you know that the U.S. leads the world in paper product consumption? We just can’t get enough of the stuff! What’s that? Oh, ok, I’ll let you finish reading. I can clean these windows while I wait. Hey Steve, can I tell you something, you know, just between the two of us? Sometimes I come into the break room at night, open the refrigerator, and stick my fingers in everyone’s leftovers. I really like the way cold spaghetti feels on my hands after a long day of sweeping, Steve. Is that so wrong?

Cleaning the Elevator

Hi Lisa, hi Sandy! Hey, just getting back from lunch together? What’d you have? Sandwiches! Good ol’ sandwiches. There aren’t many things that don’t taste good in sandwich form, are there? Well, maybe possum. Nothing makes that taste good, I’ll tell you what! The other night, I had two possums in my yard and they were tussling and screeching up a horrible fuss. I called my friend Ed and said “Man, I can’t tell if those things are fuckin’ or fightin’!” Hey, by the way, did you know that the possum actually has opposable thumbs on its paws, much like our own? I sure wish I could get a possum to clean this elevator for me! Hey, this is your floor, you ladies have a great afternoon. Oh and Lisa – everyone thinks you should go a little easier on that cheap perfume.

Replacing the Toilet Paper

Knock knock! Anyone in her- WHOA! Hooooo boy! Wow, hey is that you in there Tim? Yeah, I thought I recognized your shoes. Hey Tim, how ya fixed for TP in there? I can roll one under the door for you if you think you’re going to need some extra help. Say, did you know that the average person spends 30 minutes a day in workplace restrooms? That’s like 1/25 of your entire life you’re pissing away! Get it? Pissing away. Oh, that kills me. Hey, why so quiet Tim? Are you embarrassed that I know all about your troubles with loose stool? Man, that’s nothing – you should see what this place looks like after Mark in Accounting comes through. It’s like World War III, Tim. Goddamn World War III.

Sweeping the Stairwell

Hi Sam! On your way between floors, eh? Man, sometimes I feel like I’m working in an ant colony, everyone hustling around, up and down, busy busy busy. Do you ever feel that way too, Sam? I’ll tell you, sometimes it makes my head spin! I mean, if you guys are ants, I’m like that stray beetle that kind of wanders through the ant colony, all clumsy and slow. Hey, did you know that the ancient Egyptians thought that beetles were a sign of good luck? I bet no one thinks of me that way! What? Yeah, ok, you should get going to that meeting on five. Oh, hey Sam – good luck with your diabetes.

Vacuuming After Hours

Allison, is that you working late over there? Man, I’ll tell you what, some of you people amaze me with your dedication. Then again, you must not have a family or boyfriend to be staying here so late like this. What’s that? A husband? And two kids? Awwww, I think that’s super, you’re a real lucky lady. Hey, did you know that the U.S. divorce rate is the highest in the world and that more than 50% of people married this year will get one? That’s pretty incredible! I bet you’re a glass half-full kind of lady though, aren’t you? Oh yeah, I’m sorry, I should let you finish up there so you can get home to your family. Have a good night. Oh and Allison – you know if I wasn’t already stalking Lisa, I’d definitely consider stalking you. Ha ha, hey, I’m just joking! But seriously, you should watch your back. There are a lot of wackos out there.

3 Responses to “Our Janitor, He Has A Very Positive Attitude”

  1. kate

    Okay, I’m not ashamed to admit it. “Good luck with your diabetes” is pee-in-your-pants funny. PEE IN YOUR PANTS.

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