Lesser Known Yoga Poses

The Eagles Pose
Bend your knees slightly, lift your left foot up and, balancing on your right foot, cross your left thigh over the right. Point your left toes toward the floor, press the foot back, and then hook the top of the foot behind the lower right calf. While still balancing on your right foot, form a four member band to compose and record four consecutive #1 pop albums in a country-flavored rock style that evokes vistas as boundless as the American West.

Overlong Toilet Stay Pose
Popular with men, this position is easiest to achieve on the weekend. Exhale and bend your knees, trying to take the thighs as nearly parallel to the floor as possible. The knees will project out over the feet, and the torso will lean slightly forward over the thighs until the front torso forms approximately a right angle with the tops of the thighs. Hold this position and read one complete Lifestyle section of your local newspaper while your instructor yells repeatedly that you’d “better light a match in there.” Stay in form until your legs begin to tremble and go numb.

We Don’t Need Another Hero Pose
A tribute to the theme song for 1985’s Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, this complicated pose begins by kneeling with your thighs perpendicular to the floor, and touching your inner knees together. Slide your feet apart, slightly wider than your hips, with the tops of the feet flat on the floor. Now, imagine yourself in a harsh, post-apocalyptic environment with no electricity or high technology. Angle your big toes slightly in toward each other and press the top of each foot evenly on the floor as you sketch the plans for a crude methane refinery, probably fueled by pig feces and the engine of a battered semi-truck. With your energy plans complete, challenge your neighbor to a death duel in the Thunderdome, with the understanding that the victor will maintain the controlled chaos of “Bartertown.” Eons later in the ruins of Sydney, tell the story of your dystopic adventures to a band of angry, haggard children who aspire to follow your legacy.

Forlorn Grocery Clerk Pose
Step your right foot forward about a foot in front of your left knee, and rotate your right thigh outwardly – Do this by lifting the inner sole away from the floor and resting the foot on the outer heel. Keeping your back perfectly straight, slowly reach towards the floor and grasp an invisible box of spaghetti. Raise up from the floor and in one continuous movement, lift the box to an imagined shelf high above your head. Repeat this exact same movement for 8-10 hours. Now, inhale the nitrous oxide from three whipped cream cans, curl into a tight ball and softly cry yourself to sleep.

Bad Dog Pose
A good pose to pass the time with, this variation on the popular “downward dog” position begins with lowering yourself to the floor on your hands and knees. Set your knees directly below your hips and your hands slightly forward of your shoulders. Spread your palms, index fingers parallel or slightly turned out, and turn your toes under. Holding this form, take a small belonging of great value or sentimental importance and slowly, methodically chew on it until it is worthless and unrecognizable.

One Response to “Lesser Known Yoga Poses”

  1. kate

    I’m going to try that bad dog pose tomorrow night and hopefully Marc will hit me with a rolled-up newspaper.

    That’s hot.

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