Great Moments in Mentoring: Where Do Superbabies Come From?

When I’m at the mall with the eleven-year-old kid I mentor it’s usually as a last resort, because the mall movie theatre is the only one in town showing the crappy action movie we want to see. The walk from the mall’s front door to the theatre box office is a gauntlet of over-stimulation, born of video game stores, novelty tie kiosks and the Free Sample Lady in the food court flagging us down with spooky grey meat on a toothpick. My go-to trick for keeping him focused is generally arm punching and a belching contest, but when that fails to captivate, I have to engage him in the kind of increasingly absurd debate that has become the highlight of our outings.

KID
(Shoves half-melted, red army man in my face)
This guy is what it would look like if Mr. Fantastic and The Thing had a baby.

ME
You’re right, that’s creepy.

KID
(Starts eyeballing unattended counter of perfume samplers)
Yeah, it’s…uh….ummmm

ME
But hang on - if The Thing and Mr. Fantastic had a baby, which one would give birth?

KID
Easy. Mr. Fantastic.

ME
Explain.

KID
Mr. Fantastic can change into anything he wants, including a pregnant woman.

ME
That means he’d have to change everything about himself, not just his physical appearance. I don’t think he’s capable of the kind of internal chemical change necessary to have a baby.

KID
You’re weird.

ME
(marking score on imaginary chalkboard)
And I’m right. Point Sloan.

KID
(erasing score on imaginary chalkboard)
Look, if he can change himself into a thing small enough to fit through the eye of a needle, I think he can become a woman without too much trouble.

ME
Whoa, there’s a big difference between thread and your mom. Women are very complicated.

KID
Yeah right! Anyway, he can also absorb machine gun bullets into his body.

ME
Which should be very helpful when he goes into labor.

KID
I’m just saying, he can do anything.

ME
What about change his name? I mean, he’s hardly “Mr.” anymore, especially after carrying a baby for nine months. What’s he gonna call himself?

KID
Duh. “Mommy Fantastic.”