Enjoying The Holidays With Mitch Andrews, The Guy Who Directs Loading-Zone Traffic At The Airport
EATING HOLIDAY DINNER
Ok, I need you people to keep that food moving around the table, we can’t have things sitting still, they’re going to get cold. C’mon, let’s go! Yeah, I really don’t care what you’re waiting for, you’ve gotta move it and move it like yesterday. I SAID MOVE IT NOW OR I WILL SMASH YOUR OLD, SLOW, NON-RESPONSIVE FINGERS IN THE NEAREST HEAVY DOOR. Oh hey, this gravy looks grea-whoa, whoa, whoa! You can’t set that down there, Nana. Didn’t you hear what I just said?
OPENING PRESENTS WITH FAMILY
Who’s handing out presents now? Why don’t I have a present in my lap like yesterday, people? Look at all those boxes piled up under the tree, that’s disgusting. Frank, you need to get those packages moving, ok? This is the last time I’m going to tell you. Hey! I don’t care who’s on the damn phone, you need to move those things now! Oh, oh yeah? Well how about I come over there and blow this whistle in your big, hairy ear – would that help you understand that you’re ruining my life? NOW LET’S GO, JACKASS.
CAROLING IN THE NURSING HOME
Why do you people hate me so much? Do you see my arms waving here? Why do you think my arms are waving? Do you think I need the exercise? Well I don’t. What I do need is for you to get moving and come out of your rooms now, so we can sing some songs for you. Hey! Can you hear me? Do I need to write the words on your glasses and then put the glasses on your face and then put you in a plain, white room with good lighting so you can’t see anything except what I’m trying to tell you? Move. Now.
This is fucking awesome!
DRIVING AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD, LOOKING AT CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
Are you kidding me? We can’t stop here Carolyn, keep moving. I said keep moving! Hey, do you think you’re the only person on the goddamn planet who’s in a car right now and wants to stop moving? Because you’re not. There are two million cars in the city, all driven by slack-jawed idiots like you, and they all need to get through here like yesterday, SO MOVE. Why are we still sitting here? Step one: Snap out of your coma and join the rest of us in reality. Step two: Put your lazy, selfish foot on the gas pedal and push. C’mon, it’s the long skinny one next to the one you’re using. And why the hell is everyone so quiet? Let’s hear some chatter in the backseat.
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