culture-shock

We Are Culturally Unwell

TALK SHOW HOST
Tell us about your daughter’s tattoo. Is it new?

GLENDA
Oh God no, she’s had that since she was a little baby girl. No wait, which one do you mean, specifically?

HOST
I was thinking of the fierce looking tiger wrapped around her neck.

GLENDA
Oh yeah, that was her first one. But it’s not fierce it’s lucky, ’cause that was the Chinese year she was born. 1998. Also, she’s got that big dollar sign tattoo on her forearm because that was the same year that The Price is Right showed its five thousandth episode. Me and Stan are big fans.

HOST
Wow.

GLENDA
Yeah, I know. It’s a great show.

HOST
I have so many questions to ask you. Hang on, we’ll be right back after this message.

PEPSI COLA

HOST
Hi, we’re back with Glenda and her seven year old daughter who’s heavily tattooed.

GLENDA
Whoa, whoa whoa! She ain’t heavy, ok?

HOST
Ok. So I think most people know that it’s illegal in the United States to tattoo anyone under the age of 18, regardless of parental consent.

GLENDA
Yeah, well it’s legal in Tennessee.

HOST
What? No it isn’t.

GLENDA
I meant Taiwan. It used to be legal in Taiwan. Me and Stan took a trip over there when she was two to get her the tiger.

HOST
And why did you decide to do this?

GLENDA
Well, we always wanted a tattooed baby, at least since we saw that news story on Channel 9 about the fake tattoo shop for babies called “Baby Ink.” Turns out it was a hoax but people got all pissed off about it anyway. I wish this country wasn’t so uptight about body stuff, I’ll tell you what. Me and Stan, we don’t want our kids to grow up with all those issues.

HOST
Ok, I want to explore that a little and I bet we have some people in the audience with some things to say too, but we have to take a quick break. We’ll be right back.

YOU ARE OLD AND REQUIRE SUPPLEMENTAL LIFE INSURANCE AT THESE UNREASONABLE RATES

HOST
We’re back and I want to hear what some of these audience members have to say. You ma’am – what do you think about Glenda tattooing her daughter?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
Oh my god, I think it’s outrageous. Who does she think she is? It’s the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen, and I used to work in a slaughterhouse! Who do you think you are, BITCH?

MOTHER
Who do I think I am? Who do you think YOU are, BITCH?

HOST
Wait a minute, wait a minute, time out. I want to hear what this gentleman has to say. You sir, with all the tattoos.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2
Yeah, um I want to say that I think your daughter’s beautiful and I admire your courage. I wish my mom had tattooed me when I was a baby.

GLENDA
(standing up and clapping)
Thank you! Thank you! I think you’re beautiful too! Not like that bitch!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
I’ll kill you!

GLENDA
C’mon! I’m not afraid of prison anymore!

HOST
Whoa, hang on – Hold that thought Glenda. I’m curious to see where this goes, right after this message.

THESE ARE “FANTASTIC DEAL DAYS” AT ROBERTSON HONDA

2 Responses to “We Are Culturally Unwell”

  1. Your Red Headed Step-Brother

    Some Day she-ain’t-heavy Inked Baby girl is going to grow up, learn to drive and run over Glenda and Stan with a Honda.

  2. kate

    All I have to do is watch a show like this one and realize I could be worse.

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