An Open Letter To Jane Pauley, A Celebrity With Whom I Happen To Share A Birthday
Dear Jane Pauley,
Help! For many years, birthday trivia books and celebrity gossip shows have reminded me that you and I share the same birthday. I have come to understand that this makes us BLOOD-RELATIVES in the eyes of many sophisticated astrologists, personologists and birthday scienticians. Jane Pauley, as your birthday-son, I have a favor to ask of you. Can I borrow a thousand dollars? Ha ha, hey, I’m just kidding Jane Pauley. Calm down.
Here’s the real issue: I’m involved in an increasingly bizarre love triangle that’s actually not a triangle at all. It’s an octagon. An octagon that involves a woman I’m interested in, her sister, her sister’s boyfriend, my lawn guy Vern, a cardboard stand-up of Captain Morgan and two of the women from those American Apparel ads that probably make you whisper terrible, petty things when you open the newspaper. It’s possible that I’m making that last part up and it’s not really an octagon, it’s more like a sixagon. Whatever, I’m getting off track, stay with me here. I’m terribly confused, sleepless and not sure what to do about all of this. I know, I know, you’re “news people” and you need more details, but I want to be respectful of your time. Rather than go into some long-winded explanation of the sitch, I’ve attached a crudely drawn character diagram that should efficiently illustrate what’s going on. Jane Pauley, because our personalities are identical and predetermined by our birthday, you will easily understand everything I mean to convey in this attachment.
Please Jane Pauley, I don’t want you to think I’ve chosen to contact you because you’re a daytime television celebrity who’s marginally more likely to respond. I actually think you’re uniquely qualified to help me. Your recent episode of The Jane Pauley Show, titled “Inside the Male Mind,” moved me in ways I’m not comfortable discussing here – But I guess you already knew that! Seriously though, I passed up writing to many of my less popular birthday-relatives in favor of you, including Barbara Bel Geddes, Deidre Hall and David Ogden Stiers, which is saying a lot. Especially that last one.
Jane Pauley, I know that like me, you’re a very busy person. I’m confident that your response will be valuable and I’m hopeful that it will also be swift – I’m not sure how much longer I can deal with this on my own. By the way, if you think this requires a three way video conference with my birthday-uncle Dan Rather, let me know. I’ll set that shit up faster than you can say “Please stop writing to me.”
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