Jesus Saves (You Money On Entertainment)

Do you also fondly remember the street preachers as fantastic lunchtime entertainment in college, surrounded by throngs of frothing, screaming 20 year olds at the peak of their fiery liberal passion? Outside of that campus, they're mostly an annoyance, droning on in their dry, robotic tone at bus stops and crowded public squares, immune to the angry passers-by that threaten or try to engage them.

And then there's the Jesus Saves Guy.

The Jesus Saves Guy, so named for the filthy, sweat and Hot Pocket stained "Jesus Saves" t-shirt he wears to every appearance, is something of an anomaly amongst the roadside Holy Joes of this town. He's clumsy, disorganized, not very loud, forgetful and easily distracted by hecklers. This last bit is the key to his brand of theatre, precisely what makes his appearances irresistible. Because he's so interactive and easily derailed, he draws scores of intelligent, high-brow hecklers that absolutely KILL the rest of the crowd. When he arrived at a recent appearance in Portland's Pioneer Courthouse Square, three people near me actually flipped open their phones to call friends or co-workers, saying simply, "Hey, he's here today. The Jesus Saves Guy is here."

Following is a sample of the dialogue between JSG and a couple of particularly talented hecklers that day, young men who shouted all of their barbs in a booming, monotone voice that easily and repeatedly overwhelmed him.

JSG
I want to talk about abortion and Hitler! We all remember the atrocities of the Nazi concentration camps, but Hitler's slaughter of the Jews is nothing compared to the number of unborn children we murder in this country every day. Did you know that thousands of unborn children are legally murdered ever-

HECKLER
WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE STATISTICS?

JSG
What?

HECKLER
YOUR NUMBERS. WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR NUMBERS?

JSG
Oh, well, I have this friend-
(crowd begins to boo)
- no, no, he's very knowledgeable in the field of scie-

HECKLER
WHAT ARE HIS QUALIFICATIONS?

JSG
What?

HECKLER
YOUR FRIEND. WOULD YOU SAY THAT HE'S UNIQUELY QUALIFIED TO ASSIST YOU WITH YOUR STATISTICAL NEEDS?

(later)

JSG
I want to talk about the farce of evolution! We know for a fact that Noah had two of every animal on the ark. So for example, all dogs today came from the two dogs that were on that ark.

HECKLER
WHAT KIND OF DOGS WERE THEY?

JSG
What?

HECKLER
NOAH'S DOGS. WERE THEY SMALL OR LARGE DOGS?

JSG
It doesn't matt-

HECKLER
IT WAS PROBABLY IMPORTANT TO NOAH WHEN HE WAS PLANNING MEALS FOR THE ANIMALS.

JSG
The important thing is that evolution theory would have you believe that everything, including those dogs, came from rocks! Now what's easier to believe, I ask you?

HECKLER
EVOLUTION DOESN'T SAY THAT WE CAME FROM ROCKS, DUMBASS.

(still later)

JSG
The woman's place is in the home, caring for her children!
(crowd goes nuts with boos)

HECKLER
BAD MOVE, JESUS SAVES GUY. I THINK YOU LOST YOUR AUDIENCE.

JSG
(backtracking)
No, no, listen. Women who have children should spend more time at home with those children, rather than ruin them while selfishly pursuing their own career.

HECKLER
WHAT ABOUT INFERTILE WOMEN. WHAT SHOULD THEY DO?

JSG
Who?

HECKLER
IN. FER. TILE. WOMEN. NO BABIES ARE COMING OUT OF THEIR CERVIX. WHAT SHOULD THEY DO ALL DAY?

JSG
(pauses to take a drink from his water jug)
I want to talk about sex in popular media! Sex in the popular media is poisoning our chil-

HECKLER
DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT. WE KNOW YOU KNOW WHAT INFERTILE MEANS.

JSG
I'm asking you, have you people seen the filth that's on the television these days? It's an abomination!

HECKLER
MORE SO THAN HOMOSEXUALITY?

JSG
Oh! You want to talk about homosexu-

HECKLER
NO, NOT PARTICULARLY. WE ALL WANT TO EAT HOT DOGS AND TALK ABOUT OUR PLANS FOR THE WEEKEND.