Dads: What The Hell Is Wrong With These People?
Nothing, that's what. My father is hilarious in his own right, though he'll never admit it. And in response to reading this, my ma will tell me to stop encouraging him, I'm only making it harder for the rest of us. It's worth the risk - I present you with four recent dadscripts:
Voicemail 1
"How do you send a numeric, uh, message? That's number one. Number two, what are delivery options? Is that like when I want to send you a package, do I do that through delivery options? I don't know. What's that all about? Anyway, I'm sorry you're not around to take my call 'cause I got five things on a list here to talk to you about. So anyway I'm gonna go ahead and mention them to you now and the next time we talk you can remind me of them and we'll get it out of the way. The first one is 'dad computer,' the second is 'Sopranos,' the third one is 'mom trees,' the fourth one is 'new phone' and the fifth one is 'Detroit Pistons.' See ya."
Phone Conversation
DAD
(says his catch phrase when I answer the phone)
Let's go golfin'!
ME
Hey, what's up?
DAD
You, baby! What are you doing?
ME
I'm at sushi right now. Eating sushi that's been delivered to me by a model train.
DAD
Cool. You like the wasabi?
ME
Yeah, I like the wasabi. You know that's a condiment you put on sushi, right?
DAD
No, but I do now. Who are you with?
ME
I'm here with Krissy.
DAD
New girlfriend?
ME
Nope.
DAD
Old girlfriend?
ME
No dad, she's just a friend.
KRISSY
(laughing in background)
DAD
(long pause)
Man, I'd kill to live in your shoes for twenty-four hours.
Email
Got a nu cell phone this AM and am lookin for a catchy voice mail greeting. Any ideas (remember I'm a 55 yr old white male)
"Let's go golfin'"
Don
Voicemail 2
We got internet, baybeeee. Your mom's enjoying your web site right now (dog toy squeaking in background). She's in there, uh (squeaking louder now) um, she's uh. Ummm. Here, listen to this (8 seconds of dog toy squeaking directly into phone). That's Murphy squeaking her toy. See ya.
Discussion:
Your dad rocks, I miss that guy.
He was the guy that was both laughing and heckling the loudest during the best man speech at your wedding, Mike. He kept saying "This guy's KILLING me! Where does he get this stuff?!"
There was a best man speech at my wedding?
"cheese is very binding" - don't you remember?
Fornication...for an occassion. Oh my.
I order you to cease and desist regarding any mention of mike's "wedding," "bachelor party," "best-man speech" or any inference of "Sloan drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon" immediately. That "weekend" blew a hole the Robinson/"Furey" "relationship" bigger than the "size" of the eyelet closet to the end on my client's belt that he's worn since high "school." My client states that other than Chelsie joining the family the only great thing about the wedding was finally meeting Atkatsh. Oh and seeing Sloan. And Sloan's dad. Sloan's dad is great. "Let's go Golfin'" you can't make that stuff up.
Mike got married?
Until recently, I thought decent bio-dads only existed in old reruns of "The Cosby Show". Then my children were born Marc turned into a great bio-dad right before my eyes. It appears as if Sloan's dad is in that exclusive club, too. (Yes, I can tell all that by a couple of jokes in a blog posting. I'm wise beyond my years.) Know what else I know? Sloan and Mikey will make it to that club as well...someday. I told you I'm wise.
Now isn't that a lot nicer than insulting each other? You fucking losers.
So you come from a long line of list-makers? And I thought this was a learned trade.
104 out of 105 guests agree...Michael and Chelsie's wedding was perfect.
never has a can of PBR seen the inside of my refrig. why do they always have to rebell?
whose the 1 idiot who didn't agree?
why does marc need a lawyer?
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