Eight Minutes

A co-worker recently cited a study recommending that public presentations be no longer than eight minutes, then proceeded to give a twenty minute presentation that no one was able to pay attention to.


What’s magic about eight minutes? Eight minutes is the average length of a television program segment shown between commercials. The study suggests that the attention span of modern Americans has been defined by television. You are not shocked. But why stop at public presentations? Why not limit other tedious affairs to the eight minute attention span of American Idol addicts?


8 Minute Traditional Wedding Reception
Bride and Groom arrive to a standing ovation, as no chairs have been provided. After cutting cake, the remaining four minutes are used to dance to the radio edit of (Everything I Do) I Do It For You by Bryan Adams. Guests are handed Chicken Cordon Bleu in to-go containers, just before the lights go out.


8 Minute Court Trial
Defense and Prosecution are each allotted three minutes for DYNAMIC AND COMPELLING PowerPoint presentations. Remaining two minutes are used to deal with technical difficulties caused by the projector.


8 Minute Game of Monopoly with Family
Assuming a four member family, each member is given a minute and a half to hand over all money to the player that usually wins. Winning player will use his/her time to gloat shamelessly and rub fake money on some part of the face or chest. Two minutes reserved for uncomfortable, murderous rampage of youngest child, ripping in half several Community Chest cards while screaming “I hate this family.”


8 Minute Symphony
Piccolo solo: Gone. Also, no more oboe (sorry Prokofiev).


8 Minute Football Game


Each team selects its fastest player to run 100 yards with the ball in hand while the opposing team chases them. Ten yard head start, coin toss determines which team goes first. Two minutes at the end allotted for players to shout “This is MY house, bitch!” at each other.


8 Minute High School Graduation
Names of graduates are flashed on a large screen while a guest speaker recites a succinct poem about the bittersweet nature of life. Valedictorian and Salutatorian are asked to stand for a polite round of applause as the school principal mispronounces “Kenny Steunkleman” as “Kenny Stinkelman.” One minute reserved for streaker to run through auditorium playing a slide whistle.


8 Minute Abs
Popular abdominal workout series available on VHS. No changes.


8 Minute NASCAR Race
Name of “Daytona 500″ race changed to “Daytona Slightly Less Than 500 Seconds.” Spectators are urged to arrive drunk and induce crashes by throwing rocks or firing handguns at less popular racers.


8 Minute Children’s Dance Recital
Well choreographed and executed five minute rendition of “The Good Ship Lollipop” followed by three minutes of children milling around the stage, waving to audience, hitting each other, vomiting, crying and pulling down someone else’s pants.


8 Minute Holiday Parade
Float, float, people on horses, float, dancing band from well known Southern college, float, street sweepers, deranged and incoherent homeless man.

6 Responses to “Eight Minutes”

  1. Not Marc

    It’s only 8 minute sex if you count the four minutes of begging and three minutes of apologizing.

  2. kate

    Not Marc, you are Not Allowed to air our dirty laundry on Sloan’s blog. We discussed this already. And besides, I’m not complaining. Eight minutes is PLENTY.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.