I'll Take "Popes-A-Poppin" to Win in the Fifth
Hold onto your tall, pointy, wildly unstable hats - The new pope odds have just arrived from Vegas! That's Larry Vegas, amateur oddsman and occasional vending machine repairman from Newark. Direct your inquiries to: theothervegas@swelldone.com.
Popetential: Francis Arinze (Nigerian)
Born: Nov. 1, 1932
Synopsis: Favored for his relations with Islam, Arinze would be the first African pope in more than 1,500 years.
Larry Says: I like Arinze as a sleeper in this one, a nice shake-up alternative to the wrinkly old white guys we always gotta look at. How good would he look in those robes? GOOD. On the downside, CNN says he was born into an "animist" family in Africa. I thought that was the Pokemon all the kids go nuts for, but whatever - it don't sound like something the Catholic Church would like. Odds: 7-1
Popetential: Jorge Mario Bergoglio (Argentine)
Born: Dec. 17, 1936
Synopsis: A trained chemist known for "mixing it up" with the common man.
Larry Says: Bergoglio. Bergoglio. Sounds Italian to me, so maybe this guy's got a shot. There's always some of the cardinals that don't pay attention and they're gonna just have to vote for one of the Italianish sounding pope guys (to be on the safe side) so he's good for at least a few slop-votes. On the other hand, he's not actually allowed to wear the Big Hat on account of he's a Jesuit. Talk about not thinking through your long term options. Bad move-i-o, Mario. Odds: 20-1
Popetential: Dario Castrillon Hoyos (Colombian)
Born: July 4, 1929
Synopsis: Well rounded representative of the Latin American Catholic population.
Larry Says: "Say allo to mah li'l friend!" Ha ha, no seriously - now this guy's got a REAL Latin sounding name, which could work for or against him. I don't know which, and my salisbury steak dinner just dinged, so I'm gonna guess on this one. Odds: 8-1
Popetential: Godfried Danneels (Belgian)
Born: June 4, 1933
Synopsis: A gifted preacher considered the main liberal contender for the papacy.
Larry Says: Pay attention all you pinkos - THIS IS YOUR POPE. The Vatican's gonna be a whoooooole lot sexier if this guy gets the hat, cause he's already asked for women to be allowed in top positions AND he's suggested that maybe rubbers ain't so bad after all. Coincidence? I don't think so. He's also got the word "God" in his name. C'moooooon. Odds: 5-1.
Popetential: Ivan Dias (Indian)
Born: April 14, 1936
Synopsis: Conservative Bombay native that spent most of his adult life serving the Church outside of his home country.
Larry's Analysis: An Asian Pope? Next. Odds: N/A
Popetential: Joseph Ratzinger (German)
Born: April 16, 1927
Synopsis: A steely, ultra-conservative intellect concealed beneath a meek demeanor, he's known for publicly declaring Protestant churches as morally "deficient."
Larry's Analysis: Scary! Hey, if Bush can get more than half of America, why shouldn't this guy get half a the 117 red guys? He should, and he might do. He's pretty much running the place right now anyway. Odds: 3-1
Popetential: Giovanni Battista Re (Italian)
Born: Jan. 30, 1934
Synopsis: Long-time Vatican insider, has helped solve some of the most difficult administrative problems of the Church.
Larry's Analysis: Heeeeeeeeey, I lika this guy! He's a career bureaucrat, so he's not gonna be scootin' around the world in the Popemobile all the time. He's also from Italy, which is like Mecca for these people. On the other hand, he knows everyone's dirty secrets, so he's better off just writing some raunchy memoirs and calling it good. Odds: 6-2
Popetential: Oscar Andres Rodriguez Maradiaga (Honduran)
Born: Dec. 29, 1942
Synopsis: A young and fiery proponent of social justice who's fluent in 6 languages.
Larry's Analysis: Too young! Pope's gotta have one foot in or at least good odds of a deadly illness, so he don't stick around too long and go crazy. Odds: 15-1
Popetential: Christoph Schoenborn (Austrian)
Born: Jan. 22, 1945
Synopsis: Accomplished theologian known for his broad intellectual capacity.
Larry's Analysis: Even younger than the Honduran and plus, people are gonna make "Pope-inator" jokes. I heard he's only in this thing because he made the kind of french toast that PJP liked (crunchy outside and squishy inside), but don't quote me on that. Odds: 16-1
Popetential: Angelo Scola (Italian)
Born: Nov. 7, 1941
Synopsis: Considered an "open-minded" conservative that would likely continue in the trajectory of John Paul.
Larry's Analysis: Jesus, how many of these guys are there? Odds: I don't know, 6-1?
Popetential: Dionigi Tettamanzi (Italian)
Born: March 14, 1934
Synopsis: A prolific writer and conservative theologian, this powerful head of Milan's archdiocese has many friends and few enemies
Larry's Analysis: This guy's the safe money for the Pope-acy, middle of the road with stuff for everybody. Against rubbers? Check. In favor of the right to protest? Check. Doesn't mean he's gonna listen to you though. He also don't travel much and he only knows one language, so you gotta wonder - what's he doing with all that spare time? Play Station 2. Odds: 2-1
Popetential: Francis Arinze (Nigerian)
Born: Nov. 1, 1932
Synopsis: Favored for his relations with Islam, Arinze would be the first African pope in more than 1,500 years.
Larry Says: I like Arinze as a sleeper in this one, a nice shake-up alternative to the wrinkly old white guys we always gotta look at. How good would he look in those robes? GOOD. On the downside, CNN says he was born into an "animist" family in Africa. I thought that was the Pokemon all the kids go nuts for, but whatever - it don't sound like something the Catholic Church would like. Odds: 7-1
Popetential: Jorge Mario Bergoglio (Argentine)
Born: Dec. 17, 1936
Synopsis: A trained chemist known for "mixing it up" with the common man.
Larry Says: Bergoglio. Bergoglio. Sounds Italian to me, so maybe this guy's got a shot. There's always some of the cardinals that don't pay attention and they're gonna just have to vote for one of the Italianish sounding pope guys (to be on the safe side) so he's good for at least a few slop-votes. On the other hand, he's not actually allowed to wear the Big Hat on account of he's a Jesuit. Talk about not thinking through your long term options. Bad move-i-o, Mario. Odds: 20-1
Popetential: Dario Castrillon Hoyos (Colombian)
Born: July 4, 1929
Synopsis: Well rounded representative of the Latin American Catholic population.
Larry Says: "Say allo to mah li'l friend!" Ha ha, no seriously - now this guy's got a REAL Latin sounding name, which could work for or against him. I don't know which, and my salisbury steak dinner just dinged, so I'm gonna guess on this one. Odds: 8-1
Popetential: Godfried Danneels (Belgian)
Born: June 4, 1933
Synopsis: A gifted preacher considered the main liberal contender for the papacy.
Larry Says: Pay attention all you pinkos - THIS IS YOUR POPE. The Vatican's gonna be a whoooooole lot sexier if this guy gets the hat, cause he's already asked for women to be allowed in top positions AND he's suggested that maybe rubbers ain't so bad after all. Coincidence? I don't think so. He's also got the word "God" in his name. C'moooooon. Odds: 5-1.
Popetential: Ivan Dias (Indian)
Born: April 14, 1936
Synopsis: Conservative Bombay native that spent most of his adult life serving the Church outside of his home country.
Larry's Analysis: An Asian Pope? Next. Odds: N/A
Popetential: Joseph Ratzinger (German)
Born: April 16, 1927
Synopsis: A steely, ultra-conservative intellect concealed beneath a meek demeanor, he's known for publicly declaring Protestant churches as morally "deficient."
Larry's Analysis: Scary! Hey, if Bush can get more than half of America, why shouldn't this guy get half a the 117 red guys? He should, and he might do. He's pretty much running the place right now anyway. Odds: 3-1
Popetential: Giovanni Battista Re (Italian)
Born: Jan. 30, 1934
Synopsis: Long-time Vatican insider, has helped solve some of the most difficult administrative problems of the Church.
Larry's Analysis: Heeeeeeeeey, I lika this guy! He's a career bureaucrat, so he's not gonna be scootin' around the world in the Popemobile all the time. He's also from Italy, which is like Mecca for these people. On the other hand, he knows everyone's dirty secrets, so he's better off just writing some raunchy memoirs and calling it good. Odds: 6-2
Popetential: Oscar Andres Rodriguez Maradiaga (Honduran)
Born: Dec. 29, 1942
Synopsis: A young and fiery proponent of social justice who's fluent in 6 languages.
Larry's Analysis: Too young! Pope's gotta have one foot in or at least good odds of a deadly illness, so he don't stick around too long and go crazy. Odds: 15-1
Popetential: Christoph Schoenborn (Austrian)
Born: Jan. 22, 1945
Synopsis: Accomplished theologian known for his broad intellectual capacity.
Larry's Analysis: Even younger than the Honduran and plus, people are gonna make "Pope-inator" jokes. I heard he's only in this thing because he made the kind of french toast that PJP liked (crunchy outside and squishy inside), but don't quote me on that. Odds: 16-1
Popetential: Angelo Scola (Italian)
Born: Nov. 7, 1941
Synopsis: Considered an "open-minded" conservative that would likely continue in the trajectory of John Paul.
Larry's Analysis: Jesus, how many of these guys are there? Odds: I don't know, 6-1?
Popetential: Dionigi Tettamanzi (Italian)
Born: March 14, 1934
Synopsis: A prolific writer and conservative theologian, this powerful head of Milan's archdiocese has many friends and few enemies
Larry's Analysis: This guy's the safe money for the Pope-acy, middle of the road with stuff for everybody. Against rubbers? Check. In favor of the right to protest? Check. Doesn't mean he's gonna listen to you though. He also don't travel much and he only knows one language, so you gotta wonder - what's he doing with all that spare time? Play Station 2. Odds: 2-1
Discussion:
my money's on the nigerian.
I'd love to see an African Popetator...wouldn't that shake the world up? In fact, that might be the most progressive move the Church could make, even more so than electing the Belgian. Ok maybe not, because the Nigerian has some scary conservative leanings (though still less extreme than Ratzinger).
not so crazy, my jon paltry friend: africa has a catholic contingent that's expanded exponentially over the past 15 years...say that ten times fast with a mouth full of jesus cheetos.
to be totally honest with you, i know this guy ron--an italian/greek catholic from chicago--who's been ordained by the universal church (dot net) AND who submitted his resume for the papacy through monster.com. he's one to watch! he's comin' up from behind! (i don't mean that in the "priestly" sense.)
THAT's where my money's at.
suck it.
More than two dozen hits on this post today from people who've Googled "vegas odds on the pope." Love it.
More importantly, am I the only one who keeps hitting REFRESH (wasn't that a Rekool and the Gang Song) to check the random jams?
the GERMAN????
the SCARY GERMAN???
that's IT. i am NEVER going to NOT THINK about converting to catholicism AGAIN, Godammit!!
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