God Called.
He's Pissed About That Daily Aspirin You're Taking.
Periodicals that are most likely to be abandoned on public transportation in any American city, in descending order of the frequency with which you are likely to find them:
Portland has a mostly bland local journalism scene, though not for a lack of trying. We suffer both for our medium/small market size and the corporate ownership structure of the printed news industry - More than half of the country's daily newspaper circulation is controlled by 10 national corporations. What we get, much like with corporate radio, is an abundance of "safe" and uninspired content.
Which precisely why I adore Awake!.
Listen carefully: This magazine, which I devour like Sweet Tarts after a grade school swim lesson, is the finest piece of comedic fiction in periodical print today.
Consider the lead article in a recent issue, which begins with the stunning revelation, "The sun is the earth's primary energy source." Ok great, I can get behind that but where are you going with this, you delightful little magazine? I’ll tell you where – Crazy Town! Less than two paragraphs later, the article has transitioned into total gibberish, something like "They will mount up with wings like eagles! They will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not tire out." There’s pages of this, and it always sets up the same sockdolager: "If you take the time to study the Bible, you too can learn more about the Source of all energy and the Solution to earth's energy problems." Uh oh! You know what the capital “S” means (not Steve).
In the end, reading the average article in Awake! is a lot like witnessing your college roommate "Fudgy" on his first acid trip. "Hey, did you know that giant sea kelp is actually a type of algae that’s capable of WHOA! HOLY SHIT! YOUR LEFT EYEBALL JUST FELL OUT OF YOUR FUCKING HEAD MAN! " Poor Fudgy. Now imagine that he’s wearing a bad suit while both asking and answering questions like:
Should I Do Manual Labor?
Native Americans – Where Did They Come From?
Do I Really Need Insurance?
Do You Worry About Your Hair?
What’s So Wrong With Telephone Sex?
Camels in the Andes?
And my personal favorite: Yoga – Just an Exercise or Something More?**
I’m concerned though, because my obsession with Awake! has reached unhealthy status of late and I'm now attempting to write articles in the style of the magazine - as an exercise in literary acrobatics and adaptability. No you may not read them. To maintain motivation though, I've added myself to the local Jehovah's Witness Home Visitation List, which reliably delivers an assortment of well-dressed and chatty Godbots right to my front door. Every. Other. Weekend. Naturally, they bring reams of my new favorite magazine and our conversations are fantastic.
They're going to stop visiting me eventually, which is probably for the best. I like to imagine that on the Home Visitation Schedule, there’s a star next to my name that footnotes to “Likely mental illness. Possibly dangerous?” Really it's become too comfortable, too easy, this home delivery, and the chats I have with Barbara and David are generally no more fruitful than the dialogue I have with the inanimate magazine itself. In so many ways, these people ARE the magazine. I miss the thrill of stumbling across the occasional, random issue anyway, crumpled and muddy beneath my bus seat. I miss the electric energy that the discovery sends rippling through me. And I miss the sense of anticipation, as I wonder whether I’ll be lucky enough to find the issue that asks and answers the question, “Pollen – Menace or Miracle?” Or the one that screams to explain how to “Protect Yourself From Parasites!” Oh right, like YOU already know how to do that.
** “Yoga – Just an Exercise or Something More?” Because I’m apparently the only person I know who is not actively bending themselves in the company of strangers, this remains my favorite article. As it turns out, you’re all going to hell. That “hot room" Bikram yoga you’re so fond of? Actually just practice for your fiery afterlife! The ironing is delicious! Although it’s only fair to point out that the Jehovah God Points (JDPs) I earn by avoiding yoga are rendered null by all the telephone sex and stealing, so I’ll see you there.
1. Local mainstream weekly newspaper (free)
2. Local look-how-jaded-and-disaffected-we-are-please-love-us "alternative" weekly newspaper (also free)
3. Local twice-weekly struggling newspaper (free; subsidized by eccentric, egomaniacal local millionaire)
4. Local daily newspaper (unfree)
5. USA Today (all the news you can fit in a little blue box or infographic; should be free)
6. Awake! (official propaganda magazine of the Jehovah's Witness)
2. Local look-how-jaded-and-disaffected-we-are-please-love-us "alternative" weekly newspaper (also free)
3. Local twice-weekly struggling newspaper (free; subsidized by eccentric, egomaniacal local millionaire)
4. Local daily newspaper (unfree)
5. USA Today (all the news you can fit in a little blue box or infographic; should be free)
6. Awake! (official propaganda magazine of the Jehovah's Witness)
Portland has a mostly bland local journalism scene, though not for a lack of trying. We suffer both for our medium/small market size and the corporate ownership structure of the printed news industry - More than half of the country's daily newspaper circulation is controlled by 10 national corporations. What we get, much like with corporate radio, is an abundance of "safe" and uninspired content.
Which precisely why I adore Awake!.
Listen carefully: This magazine, which I devour like Sweet Tarts after a grade school swim lesson, is the finest piece of comedic fiction in periodical print today.
Consider the lead article in a recent issue, which begins with the stunning revelation, "The sun is the earth's primary energy source." Ok great, I can get behind that but where are you going with this, you delightful little magazine? I’ll tell you where – Crazy Town! Less than two paragraphs later, the article has transitioned into total gibberish, something like "They will mount up with wings like eagles! They will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not tire out." There’s pages of this, and it always sets up the same sockdolager: "If you take the time to study the Bible, you too can learn more about the Source of all energy and the Solution to earth's energy problems." Uh oh! You know what the capital “S” means (not Steve).
In the end, reading the average article in Awake! is a lot like witnessing your college roommate "Fudgy" on his first acid trip. "Hey, did you know that giant sea kelp is actually a type of algae that’s capable of WHOA! HOLY SHIT! YOUR LEFT EYEBALL JUST FELL OUT OF YOUR FUCKING HEAD MAN! " Poor Fudgy. Now imagine that he’s wearing a bad suit while both asking and answering questions like:
Should I Do Manual Labor?
Native Americans – Where Did They Come From?
Do I Really Need Insurance?
Do You Worry About Your Hair?
What’s So Wrong With Telephone Sex?
Camels in the Andes?
And my personal favorite: Yoga – Just an Exercise or Something More?**
I’m concerned though, because my obsession with Awake! has reached unhealthy status of late and I'm now attempting to write articles in the style of the magazine - as an exercise in literary acrobatics and adaptability. No you may not read them. To maintain motivation though, I've added myself to the local Jehovah's Witness Home Visitation List, which reliably delivers an assortment of well-dressed and chatty Godbots right to my front door. Every. Other. Weekend. Naturally, they bring reams of my new favorite magazine and our conversations are fantastic.
BARBARA
Good morning Mr. Schang! How are you today?
ME
Oh goodness, drank too much again last night. Whiskey really sneaks up on me when I mix it with soda pop! (making funny sourpuss face)
DAVID
(fake laughter)
Ha ha ha! Good, good. Wow. Ok! Hi Mr. Schang, I'm David.
ME
Hi Dave.
BARBARA
So, Mr. Schang, did you read the magazines I left last time?
ME
Absolutely, and I have a question.
DAVID
(fake enthusiasm)
Good! Good!
ME
(reading from my notebook)
In the article "Why I Believe the Bible - A Nuclear Scientist Tells His Story," the author says that he's never encountered a conflict between the Bible and science, but he doesn't mention evolution. How do you reconcile that?
DAVID
(fake pensiveness)
I can answer that. You see, blah blah blah intelligent Designer blib bloo blah! Blah blah bleh blee bo bo bay Hebrews 11:1 which says flib dibbity blah doo da. Also, gert berzert blop beep boop! Ha ha ha!
BARBARA
Is that helpful?
ME
Very, yes.
BARBARA
I think I mentioned this last time, but I want to invite you to attend the study group that meets every Thu-
ME
Great, so can you bring some old issues of the magazine next time? I don't have anything before last September.
Good morning Mr. Schang! How are you today?
ME
Oh goodness, drank too much again last night. Whiskey really sneaks up on me when I mix it with soda pop! (making funny sourpuss face)
DAVID
(fake laughter)
Ha ha ha! Good, good. Wow. Ok! Hi Mr. Schang, I'm David.
ME
Hi Dave.
BARBARA
So, Mr. Schang, did you read the magazines I left last time?
ME
Absolutely, and I have a question.
DAVID
(fake enthusiasm)
Good! Good!
ME
(reading from my notebook)
In the article "Why I Believe the Bible - A Nuclear Scientist Tells His Story," the author says that he's never encountered a conflict between the Bible and science, but he doesn't mention evolution. How do you reconcile that?
DAVID
(fake pensiveness)
I can answer that. You see, blah blah blah intelligent Designer blib bloo blah! Blah blah bleh blee bo bo bay Hebrews 11:1 which says flib dibbity blah doo da. Also, gert berzert blop beep boop! Ha ha ha!
BARBARA
Is that helpful?
ME
Very, yes.
BARBARA
I think I mentioned this last time, but I want to invite you to attend the study group that meets every Thu-
ME
Great, so can you bring some old issues of the magazine next time? I don't have anything before last September.
They're going to stop visiting me eventually, which is probably for the best. I like to imagine that on the Home Visitation Schedule, there’s a star next to my name that footnotes to “Likely mental illness. Possibly dangerous?” Really it's become too comfortable, too easy, this home delivery, and the chats I have with Barbara and David are generally no more fruitful than the dialogue I have with the inanimate magazine itself. In so many ways, these people ARE the magazine. I miss the thrill of stumbling across the occasional, random issue anyway, crumpled and muddy beneath my bus seat. I miss the electric energy that the discovery sends rippling through me. And I miss the sense of anticipation, as I wonder whether I’ll be lucky enough to find the issue that asks and answers the question, “Pollen – Menace or Miracle?” Or the one that screams to explain how to “Protect Yourself From Parasites!” Oh right, like YOU already know how to do that.
** “Yoga – Just an Exercise or Something More?” Because I’m apparently the only person I know who is not actively bending themselves in the company of strangers, this remains my favorite article. As it turns out, you’re all going to hell. That “hot room" Bikram yoga you’re so fond of? Actually just practice for your fiery afterlife! The ironing is delicious! Although it’s only fair to point out that the Jehovah God Points (JDPs) I earn by avoiding yoga are rendered null by all the telephone sex and stealing, so I’ll see you there.
Discussion:
Oh Sloan. I'm keeping my eye on you. Taking advantage of these people. So wrong, so funny. So funny.
Hey, I imagine you know this already, but I was interested in the meaning and etymology of sockdolager. After getting the gist of it, I saw the following:
"James Fenimore Cooper wrote in 1838 in Home as Found: “There is but one ‘sogdollager’ in the universe, and that is in Lake Oswego”. ["Can there be two Lake Oswegos?" I wondered, feeling not a little incipient pride at the idea of JFC putting Lake Oswego at the top of his short sogdollager list.] The particular claim to fame of sockdolager is that it was virtually the last word President Lincoln ever heard. In Tom Taylor’s play Our American Cousin, there occurs the line “Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, you sockdologising old man-trap”, and as the audience laughed, John Wilkes Booth fired the fatal shot."
I can't wait for my next break-up, so I can call someone a sockdologising old man-trap!
"sockdolager" is also the name of a rapid on the colorado river.
sloan- you should take in some of the Watchtower.
WHit
Nah, the Watchtower's too preachy.
charles there IS another lake oswego! except it's called oswego lake. it's in cooperstown, new york, home of the baseball hall of fame.
it's the lake on which i learned (and quickly forgot) how to sail and where i conducted my own versions of the Pepsi Challenge--(tap water? or lake water? taste and decide!)
Right, that's the one I'm talking about too! I was thinking of the area closer to Brewery Ommegang. Love them Belgian Ales! Were you still there when they opened up in '97?
(OK, I'm kidding. I've never been there. But uh, my great-grandfather was a barrel cooper, how about that? We're still friends, right? Oh, it's all gone, isn't it? OK. ok.)
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