For Everything Else, There's Petty Retaliation
Plane ticket to Texas, America: $213
Sub-compact car rental: $85
Signing the Alamo guestbook as "Davey Pockets from This Sucks, RI" after security refuses to let you wear your new coonskin cap inside: Priceless
Sub-compact car rental: $85
Signing the Alamo guestbook as "Davey Pockets from This Sucks, RI" after security refuses to let you wear your new coonskin cap inside: Priceless
Of course, I have no proof, because you can't take pictures inside of the Alamo either. Apparently, it's is a "shrine" where lots of people "died" defending "Texas" from the "Mexicans." In addition to these new poo-poo-on-the-independent-spirit rules, a few other things have changed since 1836, when so many brave, racist, sexist land grabbers were kilt. For instance:
Old Alamo: Open 24 hours, defending the honor and sovereignty of the Texas territory.
New Alamo: Not before 10am on Sunday.
Old Alamo: Virtually no food or water available, scarce supplies are carefully rationed amongst the living.
New Alamo: Flamin' Hot Cheetos, 75 cents.
Old Alamo: Open sewers.
New Alamo: Koi pond!
Old Alamo: Constant threat of attack by wild animals, the Mexican Army, and typhoid.
New Alamo: Constant threat of nearby Fuddruckers' Brownie Mudslide price increasing from $5.50 to $6.50
Old Alamo: "Remember The Alamo!"
New Alamo: "Remember where we parked, because this is kind of a sketchy neighborhood and why does my sandwich smell like urine?"
I did a whole mess of fun stuff in Texas last week, but the whiskey and the rockabilly and the BBQ all paled to the experience of visiting the Alamo. What they don't tell you, while you're standing in line to look at a knife and nasty little napkin that allegedly belonged to the stab-happy nutjob Jim Bowie, is that San Antonio is also home to several larger and substantially more interesting missions, which I also visited.
But nevermind those either, because this is THE ALAMO we're talking about people, and it's quite possibly the pinnacle of all over-hyped Americana - though not for the reasons you might think. To see and experience the Alamo is to understand just how young this country is, and how desperately we crave the kind of aged history, culture and mythology so easily enjoyed by the peoples of Europe and Asia. To amble knee-deep through the Alamo's atmosphere of rah rah jingoism is to understand why so many people blindly support our country's questionable and ill-advised attacks on foreign lands. And to breathe in the fever pitch of tourism and the theme park ambiance that it's created in downtown San Antonio is to understand just how shallow and sterile the mainstream American experience can be. Speaking of which, check out this SWEET magnet I bought!
And s'more Central Texas:
Old Alamo: Open 24 hours, defending the honor and sovereignty of the Texas territory.
New Alamo: Not before 10am on Sunday.
Old Alamo: Virtually no food or water available, scarce supplies are carefully rationed amongst the living.
New Alamo: Flamin' Hot Cheetos, 75 cents.
Old Alamo: Open sewers.
New Alamo: Koi pond!
Old Alamo: Constant threat of attack by wild animals, the Mexican Army, and typhoid.
New Alamo: Constant threat of nearby Fuddruckers' Brownie Mudslide price increasing from $5.50 to $6.50
Old Alamo: "Remember The Alamo!"
New Alamo: "Remember where we parked, because this is kind of a sketchy neighborhood and why does my sandwich smell like urine?"
I did a whole mess of fun stuff in Texas last week, but the whiskey and the rockabilly and the BBQ all paled to the experience of visiting the Alamo. What they don't tell you, while you're standing in line to look at a knife and nasty little napkin that allegedly belonged to the stab-happy nutjob Jim Bowie, is that San Antonio is also home to several larger and substantially more interesting missions, which I also visited.
But nevermind those either, because this is THE ALAMO we're talking about people, and it's quite possibly the pinnacle of all over-hyped Americana - though not for the reasons you might think. To see and experience the Alamo is to understand just how young this country is, and how desperately we crave the kind of aged history, culture and mythology so easily enjoyed by the peoples of Europe and Asia. To amble knee-deep through the Alamo's atmosphere of rah rah jingoism is to understand why so many people blindly support our country's questionable and ill-advised attacks on foreign lands. And to breathe in the fever pitch of tourism and the theme park ambiance that it's created in downtown San Antonio is to understand just how shallow and sterile the mainstream American experience can be. Speaking of which, check out this SWEET magnet I bought!
And s'more Central Texas:
Discussion:
I hope that was a Faux-Coon Hat.
did they make any references to pee-wee during the tour?
No! I did lean over to this man who was loking at a replica of this old, hilarious flag - a crude hand drawn picture of a canon beneath the words "come and take it" - and I asked him in my best, newly acquired Texas drawl: "This thang gotta basement?" To which he replied, and I'm NOT making this up, "I think so, but it's closed."
I didn't ask security at the Alamo, because I learned very early in my trip not to f*ck with Texas Rangers or security guards who clearly aspire to be Texas Rangers. Not so cuddly, that bunch.
i wouldn't let you in wearing that hat, either.
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